The English Premier League is dead. Everyone knows it. Pretty much any player that shines in England moves abroad as quick as they can say "Adios". La Liga is done too. Barca and Real dominate and only allow someone like Atletico or Valencia win once every decade or so to try and keep their TV deal up. Germany? Ha. France? Worse again. So where next for Irish football fans to feast their telly-watching/internet-streaming eyes upon? China, of course.
You need someone to support (God forbid you pick a team in the League of Ireland...) and the teams of the Chinese Super League are waiting for you. We at balls.ie are here to help. Below we list them (alphabetically) and give you reasons to follow them each one. All aboard the newest football bandwagon...
Beijing Guoan Letv
Why you should support them
The play in the Workers Stadium in Beijing. That should appeal to both Olympic nerds and Trade Unionists. They were originally called Beijing Physical Education Normal University and what isn't to like about that name?!? If you love extravagant goalkeeper jerseys from the 1990s, you'll be delighted to know that Mexican-multicolour-lover Jorge Campos played here in 1998. Oh and if you're so Irish that you have to support a team in green, these lads fit the bill too. Their big signing this season is 30 year old Turkish international striker Burak Yilmaz
Welcome to Beijing @yilmazburak17 pic.twitter.com/5kjfXp54x6
— Beijing Guoan FC (@FCBeijingGuoan) February 16, 2016
Changchun Yatai
Why you should support them
The most northern team in the CSL should appeal to all Ulstermen. The club was denied promotion in 2001 when they were found guilty of match-fixing. So we know some gamblers will like them. Their most high-profile foreign player is Bolivian striker is Marcelo Moreno who played for Wigan in 2010. The main reason to support these lads however is that magnificent crest. There's a duck/bull/deer thing playing ball. Outstanding.
Chongqing Lifan
Why you should support them
They're (by far) the most western team in the league so say hello men and women of Connaught. Their foreign players include Goran Milović from Croatia but their most appealling aspect is their deadly looking stadium. Personally speaking I've always been a big fan of Olympic stadiums that have never, or will never, host Olympic games.
Guangzhou Evergrande Taobao
Why you should support them
Support these if you like Bayern Munich or modern day PSG or olden days Juventus. They're winners. They've won the last 5 league titles in China and are current Asian Champions League holders (they won in 2013 too). Their foreign players include the Brazilian midfielder Paulinho (ex-Spurs) and, of course, they made a huge splash recently by signing Jackson Martinez from Atletico Madrid. If that isn't enough, their crest and kit are brilliant too.
Guangzhou R&F
Why you should support them
Well, they play in the same city as the huge Evergrande so if you're a supporter of Man City, Everton, or Espanyol this might be the team for you. These lads play in blue too. They also play in the smallest stadium in the league (18,000). Their only European is new signing Gustav Svennson who's a current Swedish international. He played in the EURO 2016 play off against Denmark so will be hoping his move to China doesn't stop him from getting into the tournament squad for June.
OFFICIAL: gustav svensson joins r&f pic.twitter.com/U4BAGmi0g4
— guangzhou r&f (@guangzhourf) January 29, 2016
Hangzhou Greentown
Why you should support them
They don't have any players with major European experience and they've never really won anything. So we're if you are going to support Greentown it'll be down to their lovely green (I know, you're shocked) kit or the fact they play in the wonderfully named Yellow Dragon Stadium.
Hebei China Fortune F.C.
Why you should support them
The new boys on the scene, China Fortune were promoted last year and the billion-dollar property development company behind the team is intent on making a splash. They've signed four big players from Europe with the deal for Gervinho creating minor ripples compared to the reported deal to bring Argentine striker Ezequiel Lavezzi from PSG. So if you supported Blackburn back in the early 1990s, these sound like the team for you.
Henan Jianye
Why you should support them
Their biggest name player is Aussie Ryan McGowan who may just be the closest there is to an Irish player in China (if he wasn't of Scottish origin instead...). Followers of the SPL (and SPFL) may be familiar with the defender who joins from Dundee United and played with Hearts for a number of years. The main reason to support Henan Jianye though is their featuring of the world's best ever football, the Adidas Tango, in their crest.
Jiangsu Suning
Why you should support them
For 2016, they've their name from the brilliant Jiangsu Sainty to Jiangsu Suning after their owners; the Suning group. So after losing some of their potential support, they have sought to get more of you in with some big name signings. In come Brazilian internationals Jo (ex-Man City etc), Ramires (ex-Chelsea etc) and most strikingly Alex Teixeira who turned down a move to Liverpool for all that China can offer. They have a new crest for 2016 too. It's a not-bad-at-all lion design even if it does look a little like the Transformers logo.
Liaoning Whowin
Why you should support them
2 Aussies and 3 players from Africa (specifically Zambia, DR Congo and Senegal) make up their (league allowed) 5 foreign players but the only reason to support this North eastern team is their magnificent crest. Sure they play in similar colours to AS Roma but the crest is a black tiger with pink stars and a mix of Chinese and English writing with shading and MS word fonts. Stunning.
Shandong Luneng Taishan
Why you should support them
They have 4 Brazilians and a player from Argentina and the best known of them is the perfectly named Diego Tardelli. The club was the first to openly embrace foreign influence and have won 4 league titles (2nd most), the last of which was in 2010. They have a huge Brazilian influence in the team so if that tickles you, they're the team for you. Their kit is more Armagh than Holland but it stills stand out in a league with so many brightly coloured jerseys.
Shanghai Greenland Shenhua
Why you should support them
Ex-West Ham/Newcastle/Chelsea striker Demba Ba is heading into his 2nd season with the club from Shanghai. He's joined by the Colombian striker Fredy Guarín (ex-Porto/Inter) this season. Greenland have a host of famous ex-managers including the likes of Howard Wilkinson (hi Leeds fans over 35!), Jean Tigana and even Nicolas Anelka was was player/interim-manager for a period in 2012. Their biggest game isn't their local derby but instead it's against Beijing Guoan in the "China Derby." Their name means Flower of Shanghai and they're another team with a brilliant logo.
Shanghai SIPG F.C.
Why you should support them
The SIPG stands for Shanghai International Port Group who own the club. They finished 2nd under Sven Goran Erickson (with Ian Walker as goalkeeper coach!). Their highest profile player is Asamoah Gyan who's probably most famous for missing a penalty for Ghana after Uruguay after Luis Suarez handled the ball in the 120th minute of a World Cup quarter-final (Ghana lost the shoot out). Another excellent kit/crest combo should win them some fans.
Shijiazhuang Ever Bright F.C.
Why you should support them
We know it's another sponsor/owner featured in the team name but, come on, they have EVER BRIGHT in their team name! They have internationals from Portugal, Venezuela, South Korea and Zambia but no high profile stars yet. (They do have one free foreign player spot...). Their kit, crest and stadium are all fairly mundane so the only thing we have is the name. Sorry.
Tianjin Teda
Why you should support them
They have an alliance with Australian club Melbourne Victory so any of you who spent some time in the Aussie city might take an interest. Their foreign legion includes the Brazilian striker Wagner so that's a positive for the huge balls readership that loves their 19th-century German classical composers. We suspect the same people will also appreciate their Fiorentina style away kit too.
Yanbian Fude
Why you should support them
Last in our alphabetical list, but certainly not last in our hearts, Yanbian Fude won the Chinese second division last year so take their place among the elite. Their foreign players include 2 South Koreans and they have a South Korean manager too. Oh and their crest is the most stereotypical Chinese crest ever. "Chinese" Colours, animals, Chinese writing. Done.
That's the lot of them. Feel free to let us know who you're supporting. Won't be long before Sky have the games.
