For too long now we have been trampled upon. We've been disrepected, ridiculed and sneered at. Enough is enough! "No more," I say. It is time for the vanilla ice cream lovers of the world to stand together and tell all the haters to get stuffed!
Vanilla ice cream is the foundation upon which modern society is built. It is our treat when times are tough, our coolant when a day gets too warm; it forms the basis of great desserts, milkshakes and sundaes. It is a companion to all; to the tart, to the cake and the wafer.
Yet, you shame us.
You look down your noses at us from your chocolate ice cream towers. You hurl abuse, doused in your mint ice cream flavoured breath. You chuckle with your strawberry loving friends at how we are bland, unadventurous plebs. You are wrong and you will face my wrath.
A few years ago, I would have dismissed them [people whose favourite ice cream flavour is vanilla] outright as nazis, but I have mellowed with age. Obviously these people have massive developemental issues, but vanilla is a legitimately good ice cream flavour.
- Random Balls Media employee
The case for vanilla as a favourite ice cream
I think we can all agree that nobody dislikes vanilla ice cream. The animosity arises when those who declare it as their favourite ice cream get unfairly ostracized. If vanilla is so middle of the road then why is it more valuable than silver? Why is it the go-to ice cream for 99s?
Those who list vanilla as their favourite ice cream are proud, upstanding members of society. They are the glue that holds the world together while chocolate ice cream lovers try to tear it down.
Woman spits on workers and breaks the windows of a St. Louis restaurant after they ran out of chocolate ice cream https://t.co/Nbpz3LZxph
— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) April 16, 2019
The disrepect shown to vanilla ice cream is symptomatic of the capitalist system we suffer in. Nothing is ever enough. "You're happy with your jar of tomato sauce? Oh but does it have added Mediterranean chunks? You should buy this one instead." "You like the car you have already, do you? Here's one that's better because it has a button that cleans your shoes while you drive." "This coffee comes from the moon and is hydrated with the tears of an Alpine goat."
When are we going to stop?
We do not need rhubarb flavoured ice cream. We don't need sprinkles made of popcorn, or pink gin and tonic syrup. Ice cream was perfected with vanilla and everything since has been superfluous.
A plea for acceptance
While we cannot hope to convince the world that vanilla is the superior flavour we can at least ask to be accepted. Can we not be left alone to enjoy our ice cream in peace? It may not be your favourite flavour but there is no need to respond in the way that half of the two people we surveyed reacted:
Why must we live like this? I have a dream that I will one day be able to walk into an ice cream parlour and proudly declare "Two scoops of vanilla please," without fear of judgement. I have a dream that in the not too distant future we will live in a nation where people are not be judged by their favourite ice cream but by the content of their character.
I have a dream.
