Let's face it. None of us are saints. You might go to mass this Easter weekend but that doesn't mean you can't act the divil while you're there. Here are just a couple of examples of how you can stick it to the man.
1. Not blessing yourself with the holy water
Your mother can flick her left over holy water at you all she wants, she can't make you bless yourself!
2. Checking your phone
A more recent phenomenon, it's next to impossible to resist the urge to have a sneaky look after you've felt it vibrate in your pocket. It's only then you realise you don't even have your phone with you and that vibration was a sign that you probably have become so addicted to the technology you're having withdrawal symptoms.
3. Not joining hands
From the moment you make your first communion the practice of holding your hands together during mass goes through a number of stages:
- Folding your hands properly in the steeple formation
- Holding them around your belly button with the fingers interlocked
- Holding them around your belly button with one hand on the other
- Folding your arms
- Putting your hands in your pockets
- One arm tucked in under your armpit, the other hand hiding your mouth as you chat to the lad beside you
4. Says 'Thanks be to God' with attitude
The Mass is ended, go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
THANKS BE TO GOD!
5. Not bothering to turn around to shake hands with people behind you
Ah fuck it, they'll be grand.
Actually there's no feeling quite like when a priest skips to the Lamb of God spiel without telling everyone to shake hands.
6. Not putting money in the basket
The most rebellious you can be during the collection, unless you take the money off the toddler who's taking ten fucking minutes to put it in the basket and put it in yourself. You know, to speed things along.
7. Not responding to prayers
To hell with it. I can't be arsed.
8. Saying the old prayers
Even worse than the previous point. Nothing says up yours more than loudly shouting 'And also with you!' when you should be saying 'And with your spirit.'
9. Sitting down the back
The seating arrangements in most chapels are as follows; one person in the front seat, a few lonesome souls scattered throughout the rest, apart from the back seat - there you will find the entire population of the parish.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UC6kcDYOPls
10. Not going to communion
I know I should go but sure it'll be grand. I'm not wearing nice enough clothes.
11. Leaving straight after communion
A mortal sin probably but sure at least your out a few minutes early.
12. Arriving late
Time of arrival is very important in mass. You don't want to get in too far ahead of time or God forbid you might end up taking part in the rosary. On the other hand, arrive after the Gospel and the experts will tell you that you've technically missed mass.
13. Arriving late and walking up to the front
If you're going to come late at least have the decency to go down the back and don't be making a show of yourself!
14. Checking out the talent
Lookit, what can you do about it? Sure isn't it God's fault for making them so good looking in the first place?
15. Refusing to learn the prayer that ends in 'church'
No one knows what the hell it is! It's mid-way through mass, everyone stands up as they're saying it and no matter how hard you listen all you can hear is 'mumble mumble mumble church.'
16. Sneerin' at auld lads
Look at him there with the suit jacket tucked into his trousers!
17. Sneerin' at servers
When you become an adult, servers become completely invisible to you but in younger years they're the biggest distraction in mass. Their every move is watched and should they make a balls of it, the sniggers will erupt.
18. Sneerin' at people reading
'A reading from the letter of St Paul to the Thess...Tesss...Thessalones...*laughes down the back*... Thessonlonicals....
19. Going to a different side to your parents
You're 15 now and it's time to make a name for yourself. What better way to make a statement? Your lack of money, job or ability to look after yourself means you can't move out but it doesn't mean you can't find your own seat in mass.
20. Not moving over when people eye up your seat
To hell with them, they smell of silage.
21. Not genuflecting
It only increases the time it takes from the end of mass until you actually get out the door.
22. Not going to mass but saying you did
If all parties are being honest then I think everyone would admit that this is just a charade. Your parents know that you when you arrive home at 4pm of a Sunday after being out the night before that you probably did make mass along your travels but you maintain you did and they're not up to bothering to argue.
23. Lighting candles but not putting in the money
I'd no change but I love the thrill of lighting matches.
24. Only going to mass at Easter/Christmas
Worse than never going to mass! If you're not going to go during the year then stay away altogether.
25. Chewing the communion wafer
It beats having the bloody thing stuck to the roof of your mouth for about two hours!
26. Wearing tracksuit bottoms to mass
Is it training you're going to? Then put on a pair of jeans, for the love of Christ!
27. Staring people out of it
You're sitting one of the wings, the priest is straight in front of you but you spend your 40mins looking down the middle aisle into the mouths of yawning neighbours.
This habit gets particularly bad when you're sitting down during communion watching everyone queue up.
28. Getting up and running round the place
You know how a two-year-old is somehow supposed to have the good sense to know that this a place where they come and sit perfectly still for nearly an hour without making any noise. Yea, bringing a toddler there makes perfect sense.
