Rugby Union is very rich in hoary old stereotypes. Heading into the November series, here is a quick run-down of the stereotypical player from every rugby nation.
Wales
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjs62E6zovo
Stereotypical Player: A diminutive jinking wizard who flits in and out of tackles.
In the 70s, he was a superstar, in the 90s, he was under-appreciated and had to switch to rugby league, and from the mid 2000s onwards he's been in an out of the side, often overlooked in favour of bulkier players.
Position: Out-half
After he retires: Likely to become a lippy pundit unable to tip a Welsh defeat in any game no matter who they're playing against.
England
Stereotypical Player: A 6 ft. 5 inches battering ram/thug and a stern looking born to rule type. In interviews he sounds like a member of the extended royal family.
Position: Second row
After he retires: Becomes a captain on Question of Sport and turns up at all those Will Carling after-dinner speech events, rehashing old anecdotes.
Australia
Stereotypical Player: A supremely talented ball player and a convert from rugby league. He gives off a laid-back vibe when losing and a cocky vibe when winning.
Position: Winger
After he retires: Becomes a z-list celebrity. Makes a cameo appearance on Neighbours and appears on the Australian version of Strictly Come Dancing. Slags off England (or the Poms as he 'hilariously' calls them) any chance he gets in the newspapers.
New Zealand
Stereotypical Player: A technically perfect, born to be a rugby player, did nothing else with his life, kid. Whenever he gets criticised, his countrymen react the way Eddie Keher does whenever anyone looks sideways at Henry Shefflin.
Position: Flanker
After he retires: Only returns to the public eye when a New Zealander commits a horrific tackle and he gives an interview defending him.
France
Stereotypical Player: A changing creature, he used to be a raffish, compulsively unpredictable will o' the wisp. Now he's a bulky, stocky player who plays about 240 matches a year.
Position: Inside Centre
After he retires: Continues to smoke copious amounts of cigarettes and spends his time wrapped in a chic looking leather jacket, watching the Top 14 team he part owns huffing and puffing their way through another dreary but brutal encounter.
Ireland
Stereotypical player: Another who has undergone an image change in recent years. His credo used to be best exemplified in that clip of Ciaran Fitzgerald asking everyone where they had mislaid their pride.
Now, he's a 'product' of the 'Leinster academy' with a big social media presence and a large stake in a organic health food business.
Position: Number 8
After he retires: Bit of punditry, bit of business. Writes an autobiography with either Alan English or Brendan Fanning
South Africa
Stereotypical Player: A hard as nails farmer who is revered as a ferocious scrummager. As soft-spoken off the pitch as he is a hard bastard on it, he is the essence of humility and eschews controversy. John Hayes with a stronger international reputation and a South African accent (aka, a Dutch man trying to do an Australian accent.)
Position: Prop
After he retires: Heads back to the farm and drifts into obscurity. His legend grows.
Italy
Stereotypical player: A violent, lovable, neanderthal looking toiler who is as honest as the day is long. Possibly Argentinian.
Position: Hooker
After he retires: Remains in France most probably.
Scotland
Stereotypical player: He used to be a sharp-witted rugby player/banker whose fiery anti-Englishness on the pitch was belied by his unionism and urbanity off the pitch.
Now he's an Australian born winger who doesn't score any tries.
Position: Winger
After he retires: Goes back the southern hemisphere to coach PE and some school's rugby team.
Argentina
Stereotypical player: A player who spends most of his time fending off love letters from George Hook and other counter-intuitive pundits. He emits an Italian player's underdog charm but boasts far superior skill.
Position: Out-half
After he retires: Remains in France.
