If you've seen James Lowe attack for Leinster - he cuts a similar, dazzling line across the perennially antiseptic interactions between rugby players and journalists.
Sitting down to a huddle of four journalists at a media event organised by CityJet.com, he begins by praising one journalist's hair. (Said journalist does not write for Balls.ie). We begin on the topic of the residency rule: Lowe will be eligible to play for Ireland within three years, should he stay on these shores for that long. He is among the last players to fall under the three-year rule.
Good timing?
I guess so. In three years time, if Leinster want to hold onto me, I guess it’s a possibility.
Whether or not that materialises for Lowe remains to be seen, but he scoffs at the criticism directed toward those who have qualified for Ireland under the residency rule.
Nobody is complaining anymore! I know Bundee personally having played with him back home, but I guess they were having the argument with CJ Stander and other players. I don’t see anyone complaining when they start playing well in a green jersey.
Lowe's career ambitions are not the same as many of those ostensible aims shared by countless fellow players. Playing international rugby, he says, is not his primary motivation. Hence why he's here.
Dublin is this amazing foreign place. New Zealand is so completely on the the other side of the world...you dig a hole and you get to New Zealand.
I was in New Zealand playing good footie, but not really getting any further. Now I’m in Dublin and enjoying life.
It would be cool [to play Test rugby], but back home, once you get past that stage where becoming an All Black is the ultimate goal, you’ve got to think down the line.
Financially, it’s a lot better to come here, especially with the exchange rate.
Instead of doing it for three or four years at the end of my career, if I can do it for ten and set myself up, why wouldn’t I do it?
I don’t need a degree to figure it out, eh lads? these fellas studying 40 bloody hours a week.
That final line is delivered to teammates Luke McGrath and Ross Byrne, who are giggling like schoolchildren in the background. They stifle laughter throughout the whole interview, as Lowe uses the few recorders in front of him to direct a couple of light-hearted barbs at Leinster teammates. "Johnny had that ridiculous drop goal the other day and he keeps on talking about. You boys might not hear that, but he keeps on talking about it".
Sean O'Brien, with whom Lowe lived with for a couple of weeks when he first moved to Dublin, is the biggest target. "We give some of the boys shit for it, like Sean O’Brien, ‘oh he won’t play Pro14, he is waiting for the Six Nations’. He took a stab at me last week, so I thought he’d get him back here".
Their brief misadventures as housemates is the fly-on-the-wall documentary Irish Rugby didn't realise it needed. O'Brien told Balls last month that as Lowe moved out, "he robbed a couple of towels, a bedside lamp and a few cushions out of the house. He has his own place now but he won't tell me where it is. I'll get him someday".
Lowe demurs when asked if the items in question have been returned. Instead, he goes on the attack.
I spent hours cleaning his apartment. When I got there I had to put sheets on the bed, I had to do all of his washing... there were pizza boxes everywhere.
But I am grateful.
He still does it - he goes into my locker and takes my clothes, as he doesn't know how to work a washing machine.
All of this mixes easily with more serious topics. He speaks with an admirable honesty of his difficulties in adapting to Leinster's defensive system.
The system is completely different. When I hear the boys talk about stuff, it’s different to me. I’m not here to change anything. The All Blacks struggled against the Lions defensive system, didn’t they. When I watched it I was wondering why these guys aren’t scoring more tries…but they must have been doing something right.
I’m trying to fit into their D system. At home, it’s pick a man and smash him. Here, it’s sit off and wait, sit off and wait. But I think I’m getting better. Although Rossy (Byrne) keeps yelling at me.
We court his opinion on the Six Nations, and whether he thinks that this great obsession of the Northen Hemisphere is actually any good.
Ha, I gotta be careful. It’s exciting for sure. The crowds are excited, and there’s a vibe around the city. It’s good rugby, it’s pressure footie, isn’t it?
Growing up, the Six Nations meant nothing to me. But now being over here, I can see how passionate the boys are.
It’s not that I don’t like anything about it, but it’s pressure footie. It is more conservative compared to the rugby I watch back home, but you break teams down using structure over here.
It’s still entertaining to watch. They are selling out stadiums, so they are doing something right.
Lowe is evidently gaining an appreciation for Europe's preponderance on structural defence, but attacking flair remains his currency. Who has impressed him most thus far? The names of Johnny May, Anthony Watson, and Teddy Thomas are dangled in front of him. He ignores them. "Jordi Larmour! Jordan’s good. He’s a bit of a freak. He’s a good kid…went to a good school". The mention of his school (St Andrew's) elicits another chorus of sniggers from McGrath and Byrne.
Is Lowe worried at all that Larmour and he are rivals for a spot on the wing?
I don’t care as long as he’s playing well! He’s a young kid with a big future. He’s very entertaining to watch, a bit like Damian McKenzie.
How old is Jordan? 20? Freakish, man. If I was that age and playing, I’d be soaking up everything I can. And not from me, man. Rob Kearney, Dave Kearney, pretty much our whole back three are internationals. He’s got a lot of people to learn off.
Among them is Fergus McFadden, who is providing a template for Lowe, too.
Hell of a man! He’s a great man, I like Fergus.
That’s what you write [that he is playing the best rugby of his career]. Not very nice, is it? Like he’s back from the brink.
He’s a guy I’m trying to learn a lot from. Defence is his best asset. He never does anything wrong, and that’s something I’ve struggled with since I arrived, learning a new system.
Man, he is a bit of a freak, and he has scored some good tries this year. And he wears a headband.
I don’t know why.
Lowe ends the interview by objecting to the "crazy horse" nickname coined for him by a commentator on Sky Sports. "Man, somebody tried to call me that at training the other day. It’s ridiculous, there are so many nicknames you could call me". What should we call him? "I don’t know, I can’t be calling myself by my own nickname!"
A man aware that life is a bit too important to be taken seriously.
James Lowe was speaking at a Leinster players' flight simulation, which took place in association with CityJet.com, official airline of Leinster Rugby, at Simtech Aviation facilities in Dublin.
