Last week we dusted off the Balls.ie crystal ball and had a look at what the Ireland soccer team might look like at the 2022 World Cup. This week Darragh McCauley takes the reins and predicts what the Irish team could look like at the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
Having narrowly edged out Italy in Winning the 2014 Six Nations Championship, the Irish Rugby team looks ahead to the 2015 Rugby World Cup across the pond. We look towards their opening fixture with Canada (the Hairy Canucks-sponsored by Gillette Mach XV), and offer some speculation towards the starting 15.
Full Back- Robbie Henshaw
Following a call up to the Cooley Kickhams Senior team, Rob Kearney finally decided to hang up the Green Jersey in summer 2014. Robbie Henshaw has proven to be a more than capable replacement, having dazzled the Six Nations and Heineken cup with his phenomenal pace, quick feet and turf cutting skills.
Right Wing- Tommy Bowe 2.0
Now complete with a 3D printed hamstring and a dystopian bionic right hand, Bowe 2.0 has been consistently mashing defences with his Supersonic speed and Laser vision. Despite being on electric form, IRB restrictions on Hydraulic ankles may restrict his selection opportunities.
Outside Centre- Darren Cave
The Holywood Hammer has been on smashing form all season, playing his rugby out of Toulon where he has been concussing his way through line after line of bewildered Frenchmen on his path to tallying up a Heineken Cup silver medal and driving the collective insurance bill of the Top 14 to an almost unsustainable level. His aggressive defensive and attacking prowess makes him a shoe-in to fill the boots of Sir Brian O’Driscoll.
Inside Centre- Fergus McFadden
The whippet has maintained his current form, and has continued to impress head coach Josef Shcmidt with his solid tackling and permanently hidden ears. His ability to sneak through the smallest gaps will definitely be an asset when up against the blocky Argentines we will inevitably face in the Quarter Finals.
Left Wing- Rev. Andrew Trimble
The Unholy Hand Grenade, The Mauling Martyr, The Ballymena Bronco etc., has been a shining example of manliness for years. Many questioned his decision to stay playing for Ulster and Ireland following a string of injuries and disappointments during the Kidney-era. Lee Jones still has shuddering memories (or maybe not) of what happens when you cross Trimble at full pelt.
Out-half- Jonny LaSextón
Having learned to be even more stylish in his playmaking ability from his time at Racing Metro, Sexton continues to improve on his already stellar form. Having surpassed the other great French Based Jonny’s record in just two seasons, he will undoubtedly kick Ireland to more glory, sunburn aside.
Scrum Half- Conor Murray
The terrier to McFadden’s Whippet, Conor Murray has continued to run rings around the flanks of international rugby, baffling the front five and frustrating the back three of his opposition day in, day out, with his sniping runs. He is the only player to have played GAA for Limerick on the panel.
No. 8- Jamie Heaslip (Captain)
Still the only Israeli to have played Rugby for Ireland, Jamie Heaslip continues to be the most prolific No. 8 in world Rugby. His bruising runs and consistent tackling make him an invaluable asset to the Irish squad and the world itself. His recent deal with Snickers means he will replace Mr. T in their upcoming ‘Get Some Nuts’ campaign.
Openside Flanker- Sean O’Brien
The Tullow Tank has recently signed a deal with Greenvale Animal Feed in order to cover the cost of the extra material needed to make his Jerseys. His obliteration of everyone and anything near him has rubber stamped his selection until 2045.
Blindside Flanker- Manti Te’o
Peter O’Mahony is still recovering on the bench following Manu Samoa’s hit in the summer of 2013, and the Notre Dame educated linebacker qualifies for the Irish team through his college connections. His girlfriend will not be travelling to the world cup, he revealed earlier today.
Second Rows- Paul O’Connell, Donncha Ryan
The Grey Giant lines up beside his former Munster team mate Donncha Ryan. Now playing his rugby with Biarritz, O’Connell will bring his own individual brand of Aggresivité Manique to the Millenium Stadium, and will be aiming to kick the heads off everyone.
Donncha Ryans Red-eye implants have been given the go ahead by the IRFU, and are set to scare the living shite out of players and fans alike. His leash has been given a twenty metre extension for the World Cup.
Tighthead Prop- Cormac Brannigan
In a surprise call up, the taxi-driver turned Tallafornia star will be sporting the Number 3 jersey against France. Joe Shcmidt has refused to comment on the call up, although a source within the coaching staff has suggested that the ploy is a bid to distract the attention of French Outhalf Frederik Michalak.
Hooker- Niall Annett
Another Ulster man in Hooker, this young Ulster star is a mobile threat around the park and is set to do great things come the World Cup. Replacing former Ireland, Ulster and Lions player Rory Best is no easy task, but Annett shares some of the Pontyzpass mans leadership qualities.
Loosehead Prop- Cian Healy
Despite being politely asked by the IRB to “tone it down on the hugeness front”, the agile hulk from Clontarf has continued to bully his way around the park in his usual fashion. Whether its rearranging players in Mauls, or turning rucks into small pieces of contemporary art, this pioneer of the agile front-rower movement is set to resume his Berocca fuelled rampages on the unfortunate qualifiers from Europe 2.
Follow Darragh on Twitter - @DarraghMcCauley
