You know you want to.
The Six Nations is all around us. You can't get away from rugby if you tried. But why fight it? Embrace it, and become that irritating know it all down the pub that pisses everyone off.
How? Take a look.
Here is Your Handy Guide To Becoming A Rugby Snob:
1. Speaking The Language
If you want to immerse yourself in the rugby world, then it's vital to learn how to speak the language. It may look like a rugby pitch, but in fact games are fought "in the trenches" where the players are "living off scraps".
Use as many French phrases as you can. Gone are the days of saying that X player is injured, he's now "hors de combat" after losing the battle "in the trenches" whilst playing in the Top quatorze or Pro D deux.
2. #Familiarity
Once you've topped up on your rugby language, you'll realise that players aren't called by their names anymore. No, each player has been given ridiculous nicknames. You may have heard of Drico, or Dricmeister, or "Almighty BOD"; but it turns out that they are all one player - a one Brian O'Driscoll - who knew?
Other nicknames include Axel - Anthony Foley; The Honey Badger - Nick Cummins; Mad Dog - Ian Madigan; Bamm-Bamm - Luke Marshall and finally Uncle Fester for Keith Wood.
3. Getting The Right Gear
Once you can blag your way through the game, it's time to get the right gear. Gone are the days of simple jersey wearing for you.
No, if you want to be a rugby aficionado it's training jerseys from here on in. Unless it's a Stade Francais jersey.
4. Setting Your Body Clock
Now it's time to get serious.
No more late nights, the early mornings have arrived. How else will you be able to get up at 6 am for all the Super Rugby, ITM Cup and NRC Rugby that you've been missing?
You'll eventually tell all your friends that it's how rugby should be played.
5. Take In The Local Games
"Why do people love rugby?", you may have heard people ask. No more, as the camaraderie and playing in the driving wind and rain just for the love of the game.
It's pretty special to watch, which is why you start to spend your Friday night or Saturday afternoons down at Dooradoyle or Anglesea Road.
6. A Teams
You may disagree with the concept of the provincial A sides because they take players away from the real rugby in the UBL, but that doesn't stop you being one of the 300 people that go to watch the games.
It's all about supporting the next generation. "They are the future", you will try to plead to your friend's deaf ears
7. Scrummaging
Ah the scrum. A scrum reset is called, and amidst the groans of the people around you, you start to smile. This is real rugby.
Not only will your trouser region get a little bit tighter during a scrum, but you can point out every illegality at every scrum and decide which way the ref should give the penalty. It's not a lottery in your eyes.
This is when you know you've reached a new level of rugby snobbery, and it feels great.
8. Underage Rugby
The Junior World Cup? Sure it's good, but by step 8 you will have become bored of those 'has-beens'.
No, you'll start going to schools games to identify the next stars for the JWC. Even though you don't know anyone on the team and have no affiliation to the school.
Don't worry, that's not creepy.
9. ITM Cup Rugby
Super Rugby is for the wannabes. It's New Zealand's ITM Cup, or South Africa's Currie Cup, or Australia's NRC that gets your blood pumping. Finding the next Dan Carter or Rupeni CauCau is all you will be interested in.
Manawatu Turbos and Hawkes Bay Magpies are the only things on your mind.
10. Agreeing With Pundits
It's often said, the worst moment in a young man's life is when they realise that they are turning into their Dads.
That's very wrong; and you'll realise that when you start agreeing with pundits you never thought you would before.
