The jets are cooling on the Balls.ie time machines and we're back from the future with all of the best sports stories from the year to come.
January: Fernando Torres joins Parnells. Terms of the deal are not released.
February: Mario Balotelli meets Sinead O'Connor at a speed dating night. The earth's rotation is suspended for about three minutes. Balotelli purchases property in south Dublin.
March: Wes Hoolahan pulls a Padre Pio and fakes a stigmata in order to gain the attention of Trap. He is promptly placed in the Ireland starting XI for a friendly ahead of Keith Andrews.
April: Roy Keane hired as new Cobh Ramblers manager. After bids to lure Dennis Irwin and Dwight Yorke out of retirement fail, Keane decides to become player/manager. After a string of losses, Keane launches rant in Evening Echo attacking the manager's poor training regime and footballing philosophy. Self-combusts. Meanwhile, in LA, Robbie Keane hires a voice coach so he can start speaking in an American accent. Claudine Palmer cast as Kitty O'Shea in new Nicolas Cage Parnell biopic.
May: Sam Maguire requires fumigation after it is returned to HQ dented and stinking of urine. Fearful of losing fans to the Euro 2012 and Olympics, the Dublin footballers introduce cheerleaders, 'The Hill Chix'. The 'Chix' are so successful that Offaly attempts a similar measure, only for four women to attend the try-outs.
June: Ireland wins Euro 2012 without scoring a goal. FIFA moots cancelling the 2014 World Cup. International Criminal Court charge Trap with crimes against humanity.
July/August: Katie Taylor beats the shit out of a lot of ladies. Peter Collins joins Twitter.
September: Kilkenny v Tipp, Cork v Kerry.
December: The world nearly ends, but O'Gara last minute drop goal against average English side in Thomond on a Heineken Cup Saturday night convinces the Gaia that humanity is indeed redeemable.
