This is the extent of my Cheltenham wisdom: turn the mind blank, read a few articles and find the name of a horse that sounds good. Trainer, jockey and form can all inform your betting but ultimately it comes do
As every bad gambler knows: there is always some thread or secret knowledge that unites sports and life. The challenge is tapping into it. There are plenty of idiots around the office with tips and men with funny hats around the racetrack flaunting their horseracing genius. Screw them. Luckily for the bad gambler, here at balls.ie, we’ve been examining all the facts underneath the facts at this week’s racing at Cheltenham to figure out where the stupid money should go.
For every day of racing, there is some secret logic to the running. Each day this week, we’ll uncover the day’s trend. Today, it’s horses named after people. You know how Hindus believe that we are constantly being reincarnated until we reach the state of godliness. What if being in an equine state was actually a step above humanity? And taking it a step further, what if the horses running today were actually once great men and women, a step ahead of their horsing brethren because of their affinity to mankind? It seems believable to me.
There is a horse named after a dead person running in every race. We can’t guarantee everyone will win, but we are pretty damn sure a few will come in. Read our guide to gambling stupid and don’t forget to get us that pint afterwards.
1.30 Supreme Novices Chase:
Oscar Whisky (9/1)
A lot to choose from here, between Oscar Whisky, Dan Breen, General Miller and, in a push, Spring Jim. It’s hard to gamble against a Republican legend like Dan Breen, but Fianna Fail have some really bad karma these days. General Miller sounds like a minor US Civil War general, which stokes some nostalgia in us, but ultimately Oscar Whisky gets our vote. He sounds like an alcoholic Delta blues singer.
2.05 The Arkle
Captain Cee Bee (11/4)
Quiscover Fontaine and Mad Max sound like two plonks from an English public school. The smart money is clearly with Captain Cee Bee, who might have been a kids TV host in Australia were he not now a horse .
2.40 William Hill Handicap
Casey Jones (18/1)
Joe Lively and Chief Dan George are competing but likely to be bringing up the rear. Casey Jones, heroic American folk legend and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles character, seems like a smart each-way bet.
3.20 Champion Hurdle
Khyber Kim (15/2)
A nearly nameless race here, but Khyber Kim, who might have been an Afghan brothel owner in Victorian times, is certain to put up a fight.
4.00 Cross Country Handicap Chase
Cornish Sett (40/1)
If you’re travelling three miles, you might as well take the trip aboard a horse who might also be a character in a future Thomas Pynchon novel. Admittedly, a stretch in every way.
You have better advice? Let us know in the comments below.
