Adult kickball is basically the American, hipster equivalent to social tag rugby - it's mixed gender, low-impact and bit shit but it's a tailor-made for post-match piss-ups and the chance to get lucky that comes with it.
Anyway, with all the teammate-screwing going around, the author of this email feels that his team are suffering in the league - not because of STIs or unwanted pregnancies, but because early-season hookups are leading to awkwardness and a fall-off in the team's female membership - an essential requirement for fulfilling fixtures.
The skipper's sentiments are noble in the extreme, but his mates might feel that he needs to get his priorities sorted - his anal (ahem) attitude makes us suspect that he's pissed because he isn't getting his bit himself.
Quality stuff all the same, you have to admire his commitment to victory in the utterly pointless competition they no doubt take part in.
Let us know if your team has done something similar.
Good morning gentlemen,
I'm assuming that when this is read, you'll all be waking up, hence the greeting.
I hope we all had a good time tonight. I certainly did. We have a very talented team. We're most likely going to win out the season, and if not, we'll buck up and win the tournament at the end of the season. We're really that good.
But it's time that I introduce you all to a very important rule, which if we don't follow will cause us the season. It's called the five-week rule.
You'll notice that only the men of [team name] are receiving this email. It's because this rule only applies to you. I know, it's sexist. It's not fair. But it's the way it is.
Winning on the kickball field is based on three things. How well the men play, how well the women play, and if the women show up. Literally, leagues are won and lost on whether or not enough women show up towards the end of the season. Everyone thinks kickball is a great game, they all want to play, then towards the end of the season, attendance tapers off, and you're begging and pleading for people to show up to fill out the team, and it doesn't happen, and you forfeit, and you're pissed, and it sucks. SUCKS.
The main reason for this, is screwing. No joke, you bang some chick, she's ashamed, maybe you sucked at it (none of us, obviously) and she doesn't want to see you, therefore she doesn't show up again.
So, this rule has been created, not to hinder us, but to help the team. Think of it as an extended challenge. The slow roll. The long con.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.
Is that clear enough? I can say it again if necessary, but I think it was pretty clear.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.
There, I said it again anyway.
Failure to adhere to this rule will result in your exclusion from the lineup, public hatred and disdain, death, dismemberment, ball-kicking (not kickballs), and, on the good side, getting laid. I don't think the latter is worth the former.
Please be a team player, wait a few weeks. If you're that good, it won't matter anyway. Don't break up the team because of your dick.
Thanks,
[redacted]
[Deadspin]
