Irish culchies simply don't get enough attention in the world of the internet. A rare breed, their interests and tastes are all too-often ignored. It's time to set that record straight.
We've put together just a few ... well, 50 actually ... examples of what the passions of an Irish culchie are.
1. Having the dinner in the middle of the day
'How can you eat the dinner at 1 o'clock?'
'Sure haven't I a day's work done already!'
Also, by the way. You could bring in two articulated lorry loads of rice and pasta for the dinner but if there aren't spuds then it technically isn't dinner.
2. Nathan Carter
He has a popularity across sexes and generations that Daniel O'Donnell can only dream of. But if I hear that Wagon Wheel song once more I'll have to punch something.
3. Superdry Jackets
Superdry jackets, Superdry t-shirt, Superdry hoodies ... Superdry everything!
4. The phrase 'Sure lookit'
Here's a challenge: try and come up with a question that cannot be answered with 'sure lookit.'
Sure lookit is the answer to every problem, every tricky situation. Sure lookit is all things to all men.
5. Quoting Fr Ted at every bloody opportunity, no matter the context
It's not unusual for those organising the raffle to actually win the raffle...
6. Going to see Fr Ted's house
They take you in and give you a pot of tea and scones that you'd literally crawl on your hands and knees from Australia to Clare to eat. Unreal lad.
7. Iced buns
Culchie mammies love feeding you shitty fuckin iced buns, that you get beside the biscuits in the local shop. As stale as last year's bread and as tasty too.
8. Having blisters on their hands
Sure isn't it a sign of hard work!? Gives you something to pick at as well.
9. Dhrawin' in silage
The greatest time of the year. Flat out.
10. Going to mass
Not just because it's tradition but because when everyone else in Ireland has stopped going to mass we may as well be different. Plus, sure where would you get the news if you weren't there?
11. Mitching mass
The only thing better than going to mass is not going to mass but letting on that you did!
12. T-shirts with a load of writing on the front
Diesel t-shirts for the win!
13. Brendan Grace
The greatest comedian that ever lived and don't try argue different.
14. Doin' doughnuts in cars
Twin Cams hey! Some job.
15. Being up earlier than you
'Ah bejaysis you get up a while every day! Sure I'm nearly set for bed I've been up that long! Up at 4 o'clock this mornin, I was!'
16. Lyin' across gates
Lyin' across gates, lookin at sweet f all, talkin about sweet f all. Don't knock it until you've tried it. It's a peacefulness that the Dali Lama could only dream of.
17. The school bus
The best place to be for most of your life before college.
Imagine if a CIE bus was like the school bus? You'd be heading from Dublin to Galway hoping the person beside you doesn't jock you or that - if you're old enough - you might be allowed sit down the back.
18. Stonewashed, bootcut jeans
What brand? Crosshatch, of course!
19. Wearing black shoes with stoneswashed, bootcut jeans
Nothing says fashion like black shoes with blue jeans. The only thing that comes close is brown Timbalands and blue jeans.
20. Goin shpinnin'
Going around drivin' with nowhere in particular to get to. Gets a bit creepy when you see them drive up the town after a disco for the 100th time.
21. Putting 'th' and 'sh' into everything
Whisht, would ye shtop! Sure that cute Dublin hoor wants his bread butthered on both sides, and us paying wawther charges this 20 yearsh!
22. Flannerys
Every single time you come to Dublin.
23. Coppers
Well this goes without saying.
24. Bringing hurleys everywhere
Just in case the random person in the shop/street/dentist/leaving cert exam hall doesn't know you play hurling.
25. Stew
It'd warm the cockles of your heart.
26. Getting married to their neighbour
Sure why go out of the parish for a burger when you've got steak at home?
27. Hit the Diff
The biggest song of all time. Ever. End of.
28. Local festivals
The Fair of Muff is definitely the best named local event in Ireland.
29. Check shirts
Short-sleeved check shirts, at that.
30. Saying 'Sure where would you get it?' about anything that happens, ever
'Some craic tonight lad.'
'A sure where would you get it?'
31. Maniac 2000
The second biggest song of all time, after Hit the Diff.
32. Standin' in gaps
Man, woman or child, if there are cattle to be moved then you will find yourself in a gap. And may God have mercy on your soul if you let any beast by you!
33. Grand Designs
Grand Designs, About the House, Room For Improvement. Anything to do with some lad building somethin'.
34. Shneerin' at auld lads
It's almost like a code of honour. A changing of the guard, if you will. One day you're the young one sneerin' at the auld one, the next day you're the auld one getting sneered at.
35. Telling someone how young they were when they first drove a tractor
'Sure my fella was drivin' from when he was three years old. As thrue as I'm shtandin' here!'
36. Putting up Facebook posts about speed vans
'Speed van down beside the lower Timmeny chapel.'
37. Using the word 'bastard' as a term of endearment
'The poor bastard is at home dosed with the flu, hye!'
38. Buyin' gates
Sure if you didn't but the gates then what would you have to lie across!?
39. Bread and ham
Bread and ham for breakfast, bread and ham for dinner, bread and ham for tea ... Bread and ham for feckin everything! If some people had their way, the main course at their wedding would be bread and ham!
40. Chains
A Superdry jacket, stonewashed bootcut jeans, a check shirt with the top three or four buttons open and chain hanging to nearly your belly button. This look is starting to take shape!
41. Setting up a Twitter account solely to get local GAA results
A complete sub-group of Twitter that the powers that be have no clue exists. They're on Twitter only to get local results and nothing else. No time for hashtags or any of the that crap. Just tell me who won the u12 league final and I'll be gone again.
42. Warning people about icy roads
'Jays now be fierce careful on that road. I know it's June but sure black ice could get you at any stage!'
43. Goin' out in the back arse of nowhere
'Come to Electric Picnic? No I'm grand thanks. Meself and aul Jimmy the whip are lookin into a couple of pints here at the cross.'
44. Peculiar interpretations of 'romance'
Sure what does Ryan Gosling's character in Crazy Stupid Love know about women!?
Cavan: The only place in Ireland where a lad tries to woo a woman by following her around the niteclub, continuously kicking her up the arse
— Mark Farrelly (@MarkFarrelly131) September 9, 2015
45. Talking about yesterday's weather
'Wet theday...' 'Aye, Jaysis yesterday was some day....' 'Ah would ye quit!? It's absolutely bet out!'
46. Farming related memes
Either farming related or something to do with getting the turf home.
47. Movin' the fence
Ask someone from Dublin what they think 'movin the fence' means.
48. Getting lifts in the back of vans
Say nawthin!
49. Abusing their siblings about their size
'Jaysis you're fadin' away. I'm bigger than you now you know!'
50. Starting every single conversation with 'well'
Well lad.
