The world's most celebrated horse racing festival looms into view this week. Relationships may be strained and nerves may be wracked but it's always worth it at the end of the week, provided you make it through in one piece. In association with our friends at Ladbrokes, here are a few tips on how to survive the carnage.
The Festival Experience
In this country, many revellers have a tendency to treat the Galway Races as a drinking festival with a few horse races attached. In Cheltenham, the action is of such top drawer standard that the actual racing can prove even more of a distraction. But, fear not, it's still an arena in which to thoroughly enjoy oneself even if the winners are not flying in.
The English trainer Charlie Brooks once said that he is never more contented than when standing in line for a pint on the Monday morning of festival week. However, one doesn't have to be standing confidently in the bowels of Prestbury Park to properly enjoy the week.
Charlie Brooks may have favoured the 'early bird catches the worm' tactic but that level of emersion into the festivities is not necessary. Most of us won't be lucky enough to be able to line up at Cheltenham at the start of each day so, instead, we'd advise approaching things at a more sedentary pace and taking things as they come. And, if that includes a couple of big winners, feel free to celebrate as if you're after training your own horse to a Gold Cup win.
Guide to surviving the experience: We do not have any ingenious strategies for surviving the exhaustion that will inevitably arrive. Have fun but maybe go easy as the week drags on for no other reason than to protect yourself from some particularly wayward gambling.
The Betting
On normal weekdays, the insides of bookmakers are populated by the devoted regulars. You know the men whom we speak of. The guys who get as excited about the 4.30 at Portman Park as they do about the Gold Cup.
Their serenity is disturbed come Cheltenham week. It is not uncommon for people who have never set foot in a bookies to live in Ladbrokes for the duration of the March festivities.
For students, every lecture is punctuated by a trip to the bookmakers.
The novices tend to hit upon superficially sound betting strategies but ones which rarely cause their bank balance to swell later in the week. One of the most beloved is to back every horse ridden by the son of Ted Walsh.
If, on the other hand, the wizard cleans up, then the chant of 'Ruby, Ruby, Ruby' will be inescapable.
Guide to making money: Cling tightly to the most successful gambler in your party - track his bets religiously. Word of warning here. This strategy has been known to cause the most successful gamblers in the world to embark on prolonged losing streaks.
Depending on your level of cluelessness, it's still your best shout.
Ducking and Diving Out of Work
A furtive glance at the computer screen is par for the course these days. However, Cheltenham is a special occasion and thus you will be required to adopt more and more innovative strategies to actually escape the desk.
There are only so many lengthy toilet breaks that one can, in good conscience, embark upon. Even then, most employers know to keep an eye on such activities in this of all weeks. The traditional method of pulling a sickie is painfully transparent and not sufficiently imaginative.
Guide to escaping the desk: This is a touch audacious. Invent a fake American 'contact' who you are obliged to meet at a Dublin hotel. When giving him a pseudonym, remember that 'Art Vandelay' has already been taken and don't name him after a Dallas character.
Either that or just go for the sickie in the full knowledge that everyone knows what you're up to. Bare faced cheek is your best friend here.
The Best Pubs in Dublin
The Brazen Head
At least 175,000 years old and hosts one of the loveliest beer gardens going.
Hogans
More central than the Brazen Head and more central than McDaids. A delightful place with a kitchen tablecloth exterior.
McDaids
James Joyce used to drink here apparently before he began doing his drinking exclusively in France.
Having said that, the best place to keep in touch with the festival is wherever you happen to feel most comfortable. In other words, wherever you happen to have a decent seat, a view of the telly and a workable internet connection.
The Phrases You'll Need
If you're one of those social individuals during Cheltenham week then it's critical you learn a few phrases to help the old timers know just how much of a gullible fool you are. It's the polite thing to do.
'McCoy will be missed this year'
So you know a jockey other than Ruby, tell me more.
'Sure Willie Mullins will be champion trainer'
Obvious but nonetheless crucial.
'It’ll be the Willie and Ruby show'
You don't know them, but you talk about them like you do.
'Ireland will win the Prestbury Cup, Willie's sending over the best from the stable'
There's a fairly obvious trend developing here.
'You can't beat the Cheltenham Roar'
We're sure there's something about a hill as well.
'Nicholls and Henderson are bound to get a few winners'
They're not Willie but sure you can't discount the Brits entirely.
Twitter Hitlist
The old-school tips will never really go out of fashion but these days there are any number of sources from which you can glean the kind of information that once would have made you sound like a racing clairvoyant. Follow, understand and regurgitate as if you have a mole deep inside Willie Mullins' stable.
Hayley O'Connor - https://twitter.com/hayleyboconnor
Niall Cronin - https://twitter.com/HeraldRacing
John Duggan - https://twitter.com/jduggantodayfm
Donn McClean - https://twitter.com/donnmcclean
Paul Jones - https://twitter.com/CheltFestNews
And Finally
It's the stat that you can fall back on no matter what. To be used with increasing regularity as the big race approaches.
'No horse under 7 and over 10 has won the Gold Cup since 2001'.
