There's only one way to eat an elephant, and it's one bite at a time.
That's Colin Montgomerie, previewing the final day of the Ryder Cup for Sky Sports. Perhaps, if the Bake Off doesn't, er, take off, Channel 4 will chuck some cash at Monty to commission a reality TV series called Eating an Elephant, as a kind of Man vs Food for those who have no compassion for Cecil the Lion and can't get kicks out of Harambe.
Should Monty's Eating an Elephant come to fruition, it will prove to be a fine successor to George Orwell's Shooting an Elephant, an essay that includes the line "And my whole life was one long struggle not be laughed at".
Monty is a man who appears to hold this central strife, but he did at least laugh at himself following his elephantine introduction: saying that 'I know, I've done it', pointing to his rotund middle, saying that 'I've had a lot of bites'. Butch, Paul, and Howard laughed as if to say, 'Oh, Monty'.
Before realising he was being self-deprecating, this column assumed that the 'I know, I've done it' was a reference to the fact that he had captained Europe to the Ryder Cup in 2010. But he surprised this column by laughing at himself. Oh, Monty?
The best thing that could be said about Sky's ensemble of white, middle-aged males is that they were less irritating than they usually are. As they lose football and rugby rights to BT, Sky have annexed golf: they host all four majors and this weekend rebranded the channel as Sky Sports Ryder Cup, taking on a strong pro-Europe stance that at least proves that Rupert Murdoch does not interfere editorially.
As per usual, their production quality was impeccable, although their oddly elongated graphics of golfers had the feel of 'sneakily taking a video when the subject thinks it's a picture' feel:
Aside from Monty's always-just-catching-his-breath yammerings, the most annoying thing about Sky's golf coverage is their need to tell you exactly how wonderful what you are watching i, be it the atmosphere, the quality of the golf, the uniqueness of the event or something about the bloody flowers. This may be construed as a further sell of the product to justify their investment in it, but the hushed atmosphere around many golf events - most notably the Masters - doesn't help in this regard.
When much of the coverage is silent, commentators feel the need to fill the air. Hence why they constantly remind you/themselves of how excellent an atmosphere exists on the course, of how incredible the level of play is and why commentators turn the Masters into afternoon TV with Bill Oddie, speaking in hushed overtones of how beautiful the azaleas are and the obdurate magnificence of the Eisenhower Tree. (The gardening views of Sky Sports do not necessarily represent those of this website)
The Ryder Cup is different, however. Mainly because fans are more partisan, and thus make a hell of a lot more noise. While much of the crowd is made up of morons, and many of their exhortations distill into cringy nonsense (the 'I believe that we will win' chant is the worst piece of songwriting to come out of America since Pitbull rhymed 'Kodak' with 'Kodak') they were at least morons capable of making a hell of a lot of noise.
(This is not to label all American golf fans as such: one U.S. golf fan labelled Monty 'Mrs. Doubtfire', one of the finest pieces of golf analysis there has ever been).
This meant that Sky didn't have to tell us the atmosphere was good for the privileged few at the event. Nope, we could hear it, and hear it loud. They had to apologise for overheard bad language on a number of occasions on the final day, which this column finds pathetically exciting.
Not to labour the dodgy-songwriting angle too much, but Sky say it best when they say nothing at all: Henrik Stenson's errant tee-shot earned a 'what a shit shot' rejoinder for the man himself, far more entertaining than the follow-up from the commentators, who decided they had to confirm what we had just seen by saying that Stenson has a good sense of humour, and that he 'loves practical jokes'.
While the noise largely drowned Monty out, the finer aspects of their coverage were still heard.
Husky-toned Ewen Murray remains a fine commentator, and words fall from the mouth of Rich Beem with the luxuriant comfort of a pilot who has safely landed a trans-Atlantic flight.
Sky did a better job of making the whole thing competitive than Danny Willett: largely ignoring the latter half of the draw (which the U.S. dominated) in favour of the closer ties at the top. The competition was as good as over at around 9.20 Irish time, but Sky did not concede the inevitable until around 10pm.
Afterwards, Monty, Butch and Paul were in reflective mood, and their post-competition analysis was thankfully free of the absurd intangibles that surround the Ryder Cup captaincy and vice-captaincy, the latter a role so utterly irrelevant and unimportant that Bubba Watson can become liked by the players while fulfilling it.
Paul rightly hailed the U.S. crowd, ("a wonderful performance by the crowd in many ways") while Butch voiced the truth: that Darren Clarke was not a good or bad captain, but that "his team was beaten by the better team".
Butch ended by saying that this Ryder Cup is the competition's vision of the future, with "the music, the grand arena, the fans". We can only hope.
Quote of the Weekend
We're not sure who enjoyed this Joe Brolly quote more: the audience or Joe Brolly.
WebbCam Update
We have, in recent columns, been wondering whether Howard Webb has been kidnapped by BT Sport.
Good news for Howard this week. He has been freed from BT's underground bunker and allowed to join BT's Champions League Goals Show, where he appears to be trying to turn into James Richardson.
To tell us of a Howard Webb sighting, to defend the honour of Colin Montgomerie or tell this column what we should watch next, tweet @gcooney93.
See Also: Justin Rose Blasts Ryder Cup Course Set-Up For Being Too Easy
See Also: Sick Bag Required As Bubba Watson Balls His Eyes Out For US Ryder Cup Win
