The Ryder Cup, that big, grand biennial novelty is almost upon us. Here are ten absolute musts for a memorable Ryder Cup...
Captain's Pride
A Ryder Cup captain strutting around like Napoleon after a bunch of golfers he hasn't coached and most of whom he hasn't picked collectively amass more points than the golfers from another continent
A pile of Tory voting golf nuts in the UK becoming Europhiles for the week
If David Cameron really wants the UK to stay in the European Union, he should schedule the promised referendum during the Friday of the Ryder Cup weekend. Even Farage will vote to stay.
An Irishman holing the winning putt (or blasting a two iron to two feet)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHlaZW9hXd4
As Sir Humphrey said, the EU is a game played for national interests. Well, the Ryder Cup is very often a vehicle for the expression of national glory.
And a Ryder Cup victory is all the more intensely celebrated here when an Irishman is positioned low enough down the playing order so that he is in a position to hole the putt that gets Europe to 14 1/2 points.
Down the years, we have had Eamon D'arcy, Philip Walton, Paul McGinley, Graeme McDowell and most famously Christy O'Connor junior
It doesn't even matter how well they played. Paul McGinley only halved his match with Jim Furyk in 2002, but still soaked with most of the acclaim, while others such as Bernard Langer, who destroyed his opponent, slipped modestly into the background.
The wags and backroom team invading the green before the end
Easily the best Ryder Cup of all time. An exhilarating, exciting finale with a braying mob for a crowd, '99 was the closest it ever resembled to a football match.
The Americans, whipped up on patriotic fervour by their God-fearing, George W Bush loving captain Ben Crenshaw, tore into the effete Europeans (liberal pricks) smashing them to bits on the final day for a famous comeback victory.
They didn't even wait for Jose Maria Olazabal to try for a halving putt against Justin Leonard on the 17th green. Ben Crenshaw lead the charge and then guiltily tried to usher everyone off the green.
The Europeans bitched and moaned about etiquette and respect for months afterwards and the Americans were shamed into not showing any passion for the thing until Boo Weekley came along.
14 1/2 to 13 1/2
Any other scoreline is a big letdown. In the 90s, the Ryder Cup went through a bit of a golden age when four out of the five finished up with this scoreline. The exception was 1993, when Tom Watson's USA won 15 to 13 in the Belfry.
Two players who hate each other playing together
One of the most important jobs a Ryder Cup captain has to do is not pick two players to play together who hate each other's guts. This is where a captain really earns his corn.
However, this task proved beyond Europe's captain in 1979 John Jacobs. Ken Brown, the most unlikely hellraiser of all time, caused all manner of strife in the 1979 Ryder Cup and refused to say a word to playing partner in the foursomes Des Smyth.
Unsurprisingly, the pair were tanked 7 & 6 by Hale Irwin and Tom Kite.
Former American Presidents nattering with the players and backroom team
George Bush senior is getting on a bit now so we may be denied one of the indelible sights of the Ryder Cup, the sight of him in a peaked cap being driven around buggies, muttering 'advice' to one of the vice captains.
His son has picked up the slack in recent years.
The press blaming the losing captain for it all going wrong
When Europe lost the Ryder Cup in 2008, it was all Nick Faldo's fault.
The fact that three time major winner and then world number 2, Padraig Harrington, amassed a grand total of one half point from four matches was Faldo's fault as well.
Vice Captains
Pretty much anyone who's ever made a cut in a European Tour event can expect to be made Ryder Cup vice-captain down the line.
The role appears to involve being able to perform a host of menial chores while wearing an ear-piece.
For instance, Padraig Harrington is one of the European vice-captains this time around and in a recent interview on Off The Ball, he made it clear that he is prepared to make tea for the entire week if needs be.
Controversial picks
It's very important that the Ryder Cup captain makes a controversial pick. This is a pick that the media consensus regards as dead wrong.
It is invariably a player who is either from the same country as the captain or a close friend of the captain and he should be picked ahead of more in-form player. Recent examples include Ian Poulter being picked ahead of Darren Clarke in 2008 and Padraig Harrington being picked ahead of Paul Casey in 2010.
The media from the spurned country will go to town on the captain for the entire week. The media from the grateful country will talk disapprovingly about the amount of whinging being done by the spurned country.
