In my efforts to make my experience with Football Manager as challenging as possible, I unlocked the hidden potential of one of the most detailed and sophisticated games ever made.
You've heard of guys dressing up in a full suit for a cup final on Football Manager, but I went further. On Football Manager 2012 I decided to shelf my annual plans of finding an obscure team and guiding them to the highest level of European football, I'd taken Ebbsfleet United to the Champions League, I'd been there and got the t-shirt.
So how could I make the game as tough as possible, to further simulate the difficulties that actual football managers face? What if I picked a non-league club in a country I'm not familiar with... But actually changed the language on the game to that of the country I land in?
Not only will I be entering a strange club in a new league with a long road ahead of me, but like the Neville brothers in Valencia, I'll have absolutely no clue what anybody is saying.
Jumping in at the deep end.
This all took place back on FM12, I did this as I was barely going to university at the time and didn't really tell anyone as I figured they wouldn't be interested, but after a recent conversation with a colleague I decided to share my story.
After realising that not only would this be seriously tough, but that I'll likely learn some new vocabulary from a language that may come in handy one day, I was left with four serious options; Italy, France, Germany, and Spain.
As tempting as it was to follow in Liam Brady's footsteps and set out to make it as an Irishman in Italy, I settled on a trip to France. Why? Because I have some very basic secondary school French left in my locker, and because I found the right club.
Sitting in the Championnat de France National, the league below Ligue 2, was Paris FC. A club based in one of the biggest cities in the world but had never established themselves as a top-flight team. No trophy in 40+ years? Bring it on.
It's ridiculously easy to change the language at any time in Football Manager, you just click the dropdown menu and select preferences, then choose your language. What this offers you at the beginning is a chance to hop between the two languages quite quickly for a translation.
I decided to appoint an imaginary part-time translator only for moments that I had no clue what was going on and I thought were important, his name was Patrick Bellion, David's brother.
I breezed through a lot of staff meetings making promises without a notion as to what I had agreed to, but for those tricky situations I could 'consult Patrick' for help. The first example of needing to do this was at my unveiling...
The first hurdle: Le conférence de presse.
I've played a lot of Football Manager, since around 2005 I have played the game at least a little bit every single year. I know my way around, so I'll naturally pick up a few terms and phrases just from knowing where they are on a given screen.
That's how I knew that 'Storm Out' was 'Partir en claquant le porte'...
I've used the beta version of Football Manager 2017 as my old laptop was stolen from my house, two weeks before Christmas. I didn't care that my wallet and phone were gone, but nothing hurt like the knowledge that my hard work, my true Parisian romance, was gone.
Paris are still at the same level after a relegation from Ligue 2 last season, bless them, so maybe this is the year I go back and finish what I started.
Over time, it got easier and easier to play in French. I didn't even notice getting used to it, but I soon realised that seeing a position like 'Millieu latéral' and instantly knowing it was 'Wide midfielder' was second nature.
I really started to notice that I was getting a grasp of the language when I was watching the French football highlights show, and although the commentary is in English, some of the text on screen during matches is still in French, and I recognised it instantly.
Slowly but surely, the game was teaching me French on an almost subliminal level.
Soon I knew from memory what I wanted in an ideal targetman striker; Controle de balle, Téte, and Finition.
It started out with words, many of which were the exact same as their English counterpart, but from aspects of the game such as the in-game commentary, news reports, and conversations with media and staff, the next step was being comfortable with phrases and full sentences.
Contracts and negotiations were difficult. I tried to get rising Irish star Robbie Brady on loan from Manchester United but he didn't want to change his surroundings. I guess some people just aren't as committed.
Getting the hang of it.
A number of months had passed and I found myself watching more and more French football on TV. Eden Hazard was at Lille at the time at it was seriously enjoyable to be drinking in a new football culture.
Next thing I knew I could read and comprehend French football news right from the source without a google translate job from an English site.
I vividly remember the excitement as I read about Hazard's inevitable transfer to Manchester United, the club I support. Any time the club were linked with a Ligue 1 player I was all over it, passing the information on like an 'ITK' on twitter.
The game, at this point, was a breeze. I was back to pretty much playing the game as I always had, and Paris FC were flying up the leagues as now I could actually read and understand what my players were doing in the match.
The following means 'And he plays a 35-meter pass to the feet of Lalaina Nomenjanahary'.
So can I speak fluent French? No.
I can only speak slowly, and struggle to keep up when the language is spoken, but I can read and understand it comfortably to this day, even though I use my acquired skill exclusively for transfer rumours.
Would I recommend giving this a try? Absolutely.
Firstly, I am a big advocate of trying something different when it comes to video games. I was never someone who plays as the same Premier League team every year and runs Europe football within a month, and this represents a fun and extremely challenging way to play. Get out of your comfort zone.
Secondly, Football Manager is legitimately passable as language learning software. I can't believe they don't advertise this as part of the package... It's like getting a football version of Rosetta Stone.
If you are in school or university and are studying a language while also playing a lot of Football Manager, then you absolutely must give this a shot. Why not? You will learn and get better, and you'll probably fall in love with a club in that country.
With the incredible depth and detail in Football Manager 2017, the possibilities are endless. You can even learn Korean while trying to win the K-League, which is the truly the stuff of FM legend.
