In the past ten years, the nature of the commentary on the International Rules series has swung wildly from 'the Aussies are too good but also too violent' to 'the Aussies are too rubbish and they don't care about it'.
The 2006 series, when the Australians decided to turn the match into a brawl remains the nadir. But the 2013 series, when they sent over a meek team comprised entirely of indigenous players, was another low-point.
Both were said to have threatened the continued existence of the series for differing reasons.
The series lives on because the players want that outlet and so the Eirgrid International Rules series commences this weekend. Will it be good or will it be bad? More importantly, what will make it good or bad?
Five Ingredients of a shit International Rules series
The Australians don't try hard enough
The series has been dogged by the inference that the Australians don't treat the competition seriously.
In 2013, the Australians picked a team comprising solely of indigenous players. It would be equivalent to Ireland only picking players from the various Gaeltacht regions.
Ireland won the match by over 100 points in front of 28,000 supporters in the second test.
The Australians try too hard
When the Australians decide to really go for it, there are casualties. Casualties among the Irish playing staff.
'If you wanna box, say you wanna box and we'll box. If you wanna play football, say you wanna play football and we'll play football', was Kieran McGeeney's take on the affair.
The trouble was the Australians won both the boxing match and the football match.
The Australians can't kick the ball properly
The elite of the AFL have often been ambivalent about travelling to Ireland after a hard year's slog but that is only part of the problem. The game itself obviously consists of a mish-mash of elements from both Gaelic football and Aussie Rules. However, it is hard to deny that it is more heavily weighted in favour of Gaelic Football (ironically, many Irish fans casually refer to this game as 'the Aussie Rules'). We enjoy the greatest advantage - the round ball. It is no surprise that the Aussies are sometimes found wanting in the basics of kick-passing and shooting.
The Irish players can't kick the ball properly
Kicking a wide in international rules is quite an achievement. The Irish players have still managed to kick a few over the years.
After last year's match, Pat Spillane announced the he was pleased that Ireland were beaten by Australia. He said the result exposed the poor execution of skills in modern Gaelic football, something he blamed on the current crop of managers.
Having come together six days previously, a bunch of Australian footballers – the majority of whom had never kicked a round ball – gave our players a lesson in the basic skills of the game.
The scoreboard being broken in Croke Park
When Australia brought their indigenous band of canon fodder to Croke Park for the second test in 2013, the Irish team ran up so many points, that those manning the scoreboard were forced to improvise.
The scoreboard wasn't build to cope with three numbers and so for a short while, the score read 'Eire 1 - Australia 37'.
Read more: Why Did The Mayo Players Enjoy More Support Than The Galway Players During Heave?
And Five Ingredients needed to make a good International series...
Australia are shamed into playing a proper team
Following a couple of facile wins for Ireland in 2011 and 2013, there were sustained calls to put the concept out of its misery. Stirred by this talk, the AFL were moved to put their best foot forward in 2014. The Aussies won the series with a 56-46 victory in a one-off test in Perth. The game was neither a violent farce in which the Aussie bullied their way to victory nor a one-sided Irish win over a neutered Australia, but a close game in which the Aussies won by ten points.
A clash of commentary styles
Back in the noughties, in a spirit of adventure, RTE decided to use two commentators in their coverage, one being either Ger Canning or Marty Morrissey and the other being his loud talking Aussie sidekick.
The Aussie invariably sounded like Peter O'Sullivan commentating on the last couple of fences of the Grand National and made Ger sound like he was commentating on a one-sided tennis match at Wimbledon.
A modest level of violence
We're into morally dubious territory here. We don't want to be endorsing violence but there is no doubt that a bit of well-timed argy-bargy can quicken the blood of players and supporters alike.
Indeed, the fights are one of the main draws of the series. People roar and scream and bay for blood as if watching MMA minus the cage.
The supporters end up feeling badly short-changed if they don't witness some sort of scrap. At the 2000 series, Ireland were pummelled but the crowd still seemed enthused by the spectacle because Jason Akermanis and Peter Canavan engaged in a game long scrap in front of goal. Which brings us to the next thing the series needs...
One of the Australian players becomes a pantomime villain among the Irish supporters
The Aussies have always given off a punkish vibe in this series. They are the big bad professionals who adopt a more cavalier attitude to the concept than their earnest Irish counterparts. That they carry the threat of brute violence when provoked is no small factor in this.
The brashest bad boy of the lot was the aforementioned Jason Akermanis, the brawling blonde showman from the Brisbane Lions. They were the dominant team of the early noughties and Akermanis was one of their best players.
One of the teams to listen in to the other's dressing room
A great, possibly embellished, story from Garry Lyon's oration at Jim Stynes's funeral...
Read more: The Wondrous Tale Of The First Ever International Rules Game
