'On Fridays when I got paid, more often than not I would have that money lost before I finished work that same day. I would go on my lunch break and come back an hour later with all my money gone.'
After bravely opening up about his gambling addiction, Offaly footballer Niall McNamee has written a second blog on his battle to beat his demons. Niall offers an insight into the thoughts that would drive him during his days betting, the fear that alcohol could have replaced the void left his life after he gave up gambling and how his recovery has taught him to share any problems he has in life.
In particular, McNamee tries to explain why he was drawn to the bookies.
'Even after a day of winning a huge sum of money all I wanted to do was go back and win more. I saved all of my money for gambling, it was the ammunition I needed to go to the bookies and it meant that I would rarely spend it on anything else. However, if I was after winning big and was going on a night out with my friends then I would be throwing money around as if I was the big shot and would pretend everything was OK. But it wasn't OK.'
He tells of how he would tear up his bank card in order to give himself a cover story for having no money.
'My mother could see it in me. Some days she would confront me over it and I would spin a story about not getting paid or that I had lost my bank card. It was all lies. Some days I would get home and tear up my Bank card just so a new one would arrive in the post and my story would check out. She would often offer me money just to put a smile back on my face. I looked pale and sick from all the stress in my head.'
Indeed he goes on to describe how his addiction affected his performance in his job, with gambling being his main hope for becoming rich.
The second half his blog deals the dangers of replacing one addiction with another, and his fears that alcohol could offer a similar place to hide like he did with gambling.
'People who know me will say that I wasn't a big drinker, and I probably wasn't, but it scares me to think of that time because I know how my mind works and if I don't talk about a problem to someone I could very easily go back and look for something to ease the pain and make me not want to deal with it. I went 20 months without a drink and had a handful of drinks this summer.'
He has given up alcohol again due to the fact that it left him with similar dull feeling as he had when gambling. He says 'I wasted so many days over the years in bookies feeling miserable that I don't want to waste anymore.'
McNamee writes about how his recovery, while tough, has helped him face up to any problems he may have and taught him the importance of opening up to others.
'The program teaches me ways to live with these ups and downs and come out the other side without having to hide away in a bookies or bury my feelings. It has thought me to be honest about things that are going on in my life today and for me that is huge. For years I was dishonest about a lot of things and it would eat away at me inside. If something is bothering me now, I share it at a meeting or tell someone I trust and that helps me deal with it.'
You can read Niall's full blog here. For anyone who is looking for help with a gambling addictions you can contact [email protected].
