Image: Ciaran Lenehan
Ever the helpful bunch, we here at Balls Towers have but together a step-by-step guide on how to get your hands on those elusive All Ireland final tickets...
Step 1: Text every club secretary in the country
Every club will be holding a draw for at least a pair of tickets,if not more. Now the problem arises in that usually you have to be a club member so you can a) contact someone in the club and plead with them to enter the draw on your behalf, b) impersonate said club member, or c) bribe the club secretary to rig the draw.
Step 2: Buy a lorry load of radios
If you want All Ireland final tickets then radio competitions are a gold mine. The only problem is that you're going to have to listen to numerous radio stations at the same time – and by 'numerous' I mean 'all of them.'
Also listen carefully to what they're asking you to do. Some will want first caller while others may looking for the eleventh or twelfth caller. In that case you may need to buy a dozen phones and set them to auto-dial.
Step 3: Call up people 'in the know'
This generally descends from calling people who are on the county board right down to ringing any person who has seen a football or sliotar at some stage in their life time.
'Howaya Mikey, was just wondering if you could find me All-Ireland final tickets Thought you might in the know seeing as you work in Lifestyle Sports and all that.'
Step 4: Make offers to county players
Every player on any county panel is entitled to a pair of tickets but many decide to auction them off. Be prepared though. They won't come cheap.
Step 5: Tweet celebrities to see if they've any spare ones going
If you still haven't secured tickets then things are starting to get desperate. Maybe try a few famous people to see if they've any going spare.
Step 6: Start offering favours in exchange
You don't have bucket of money but what you have are a very specific set of skills. Skills which make you highly dangerous in the rush for All Ireland tickets.
Step 7: Engage in bidding wars with people who are selling them
There will be a plethora of tickets for sale online or over the phone. But be wary; going down this route in order to get tickets will inevitably end up in you paying about €500 apiece for them.
Step 8: There's always Up for the Match
If it comes to Saturday night and you still have no tickets then the last viable option is Up for the Match. They usually have a couple of pairs of tickets to give away. But of course at this stage it's too late for taking chances with mickey mouse competitions.
Instead it's perhaps a better idea to apply to be in the audience on and then when on the show, sneak off and steal the tickets. They're bound to be lying around somewhere. Try Des Cahill's drawers.
Step 9: When all else fails...
Billy Keane once snuck into a Munster hurling final by dressing up in a long white coat and banging on the stadium gates while holding a mop and a bucket. Someone opened the gate and before they had a chance to say anything, Billy ran by them saying 'Thanks, there's some child after getting sick in there.'
Keane ended up with a perfect view of the match, standing on the sideline.
