Most tabloid articles on educated footballers tend to begin with a cheeky wink and a nudge, saying 'Don't you know not all footballers are as thick as two short planks, eh, eh... is this thing on.'
Well, we have decided to eschew such cliches as we compile our University Footballers XI.
Rather unfittingly, for such an educated and thoughtful bunch, we have gone with a standard and boring 4-4-2 formation, football as God intended it.
Goalkeeper - Shaka Hislop
Qualification: Mechanical Engineering
Institution: Howard University (Washington DC)
Most Famous For:
Spells at Newcastle and West Ham.
Right Back - Gudni Bergsson
Qualification: Law
Insititution: Somewhere in Iceland
Most Famous For:
Longtime Spurs and Bolton defender, Bergsson was stabbed in the leg by a man in his legal practice in Reykjavik
Central Defender - David Weatherall
Qualification: BsC in Chemistry (First Class)
Institution: University of Sheffield
Most Famous For:
Played for Leeds and Bradford. Roy Keane owes him a dig. Alfie Haland was supposed to get onto him about it.
Central Defender - Slaven Bilic
Qualification: Law
Institution: Unknown
Most Famous For:
A rare breed of football manager who plays music and smokes freely, Bilic was unfairly harangued for 'getting Laurent Blanc sent off' in the World Cup semi-final, despite the fact that Blanc smacked him forcefully in the chin and lower face and most people only saw it back in slow motion.
Left Back - Graeme Le Saux
Qualification: None (Began one in Environmental Science but quit to pursue football)
Institution: Kingston University
Most Famous For:
His long career with Blackburn Rovers and Chelsea, which saw him win international recognition and a Premier League title was overshadowed by the revelation he read the Guardian and went on a holiday with Ken Monkou.
Right Winger - Steve Coppell
Qualification: Economics
Institution: Liverpool University
Most Famous For:
Wore no.7 shirt for United before it became a fetish. He kept Crystal Palace in the top flight for nine successive seasons until their unlucky relegation in 1993. Only agreed to move to United on the condition they allowed him finish his degree.
Central Midfielder - Norman Whitside
Qualified: Physiotherapy
Institution: University of Salford
Most Famous For:
The goal in the 1985 FA Cup Final and being the youngest player ever to play in a World Cup. Primarily an attacking wide player, he has the aggression to play in the middle.
Central Midfielder - Socrates
Qualification: Medicine
Institution: Faculdade de Medicina de Ribeirão Preto (Sao Paolo)
Most Famous For:
Bearded genius who strutted around midfield on the most recklessly entertaining Brazil team ever. Also alleged to have played football for UCD in the 70s and, according to the more fanciful rumours, Gaelic Football for Trinity. These have been revealed to be myths (sadly).
Left winger - Steve Heighway
Qualification: Economics and Politics (2:1)
Institution: University of Liverpool
Most Famous For:
Amassing a healthy collection of trophies for Liverpool in the 1970s, Heighway, like Coppel, went to university at the traditional age rather than revisiting as a mature student once his career had ended. Novelty that he was, he was nicknamed 'Bamber' by teammates, after the then host of University Challenge.
Centre Forward - Iain Dowie
Qualification: Masters in Engineering
Institution: University of Hertfordshire
Most Famous For:
His distinctive head and his promising start in management. Was a striker at Southampton when midfielder Matt Le Tissier scored all the goals.
Centre Forward - Oliver Bierhoff
Institution: FernUniversität Hagen
Most Famous For:
A reliable German striker who scored the winner in the Euro 96 final and bashed home a fair amount of goals in Serie A.
