This slot usually reviews things that have already happened and passes comment on people more qualified and talented than its writer. This week, however, this column is doing something different. The sports news cycle over the past few days has been particularly absurd, so this column is going to imagine how it may have been covered in a fictitious sports news programme, that we won't name for legal laziness reasons.
To keep it simple, there are two characters: an editor, played by Editor, and a journalist, played by content producer Journalist. The scene is the news station's production room in the evening time.
Monday, February 20th
Editor: Listen up, folks. What with the volatile and unforgiving media market, along with the growth of FAKE NEWS, we have to refocus our efforts into producing the news that matters. This means I'll be expecting all of you to bring me stories on weighty, important matters. There's no room for fluff around here, anymore. The rise of FAKE NEWS threatens all of our jobs are at stake here, and, of lesser importance, as is democracy itself. So what do you have for me?
Journalist: I've got a great story from America of a sporting superstar embracing the elite, while betraying the grassroots supporters of his game. It's got it all: a sociological angle, a political angle, along with themes of betrayal, entitlement, ignorance...
Editor: Tell me more.
Journalist: Rory McIlroy played a round of golf with Donald Trump.
Editor: Golf!? Is this meant to be about political activism?
Journalist: Yep. McIlroy should have known better.
Editor: But in golf, an act of obdurate activism is a fan calling in from home to complain about slight rule violations. Plus, who the hell is McIlroy betraying when he plays golf with Donald Trump? The whole lot of them are right- wing and republicans. US Open winner Lee Janzen, if I'm right, once said that "where I grew up you were better off telling people you were a garbage man than a Democrat". Heck, only today the R&A confirmed that Turnberry, which is owned by Trump, is still on the rota for The Open. Where did you hear this?
Journalist: Oh, I saw a picture on twitter.
Editor: .....let's run it.
Tuesday, February 21st
Editor: Right, what has everyone got today?
Journalist: I realise that perhaps I made too much of the McIlroy stuff yesterday, but I've got a properly heavy hitting story for you today. It's about a footballer taking a banned substance.
Editor: A doping story in football? These are incredibly rare! Who is it?
Journalist: Well, I don't think the substance was performance-enhancing, but it was definitely banned.
Editor: Ok, you've got me hooked...what was the substance?
Journalist: It's a pie.
Editor: A pie? A fucking pie?
Journalist: Yeah. It happened in last night's FA Cup replay between Sutton and Arsenal. Wayne Shaw, the substitute goalkeeper - a large fella, about 18-stone - ate a pie on the bench after Sutton had made their three subs. He was pictured on the BBC cameras munching down a pie.
Editor: How the hell is this relevant?
Journalist: Well, it turns out that a betting company had offered bets on Shaw eating a pie on the bench. Shaw admitted that he knew about it on television with Piers Morgan today, and so was investigated over a breach of gambling regulations. So Sutton have asked Shaw to tender his resignation, and he accepted. Kay Burley said on Sky that there was so much sadness in his eyes, he was actually crying.
Editor: Well at least the story has launched a wider debate about football's relationship with betting?
Journalist: Eh not quite, everybody is pretty much talking about the guy who ate the pie and had to resign.
Editor: And someone on Piers Morgan's TV show has been deemed to have transgressed to such an extent that he had to resign, and it's not Piers Morgan?
Journalist: Er, yep.
Editor: Well how did the match go, did Sutton play well? Did their hard work pay off in front of the BBC cameras, and are they today the toast of England, and a perfect example of what the FA Cup is all about?
Journalist: Er, I'm not really sure. Again, there's a lot of focus on the pie.
Editor: ....let's run it.
Wednesday, February 22nd
Editor: Right, it's been a quiet day so let's just show re-runs of Man City/Monaco, and build-up to Leicester and Sevilla in the Champions League tonight. Hold your best stories for tomorrow.
Thursday, February 23rd
Editor: Ideas?
Journalist: I've got some breaking news, boss. It's a great narrative: the greatest fairytale ever told in sport has had a horrible ending: Claudio Ranieri has been sacked by Leicester City, the Premier League champions who are a 1-0 win away from the Champions League quarter-finals.
Editor: Okay, let's break the news, but we need to follow up on it throughout the night.
Journalist: How about we cut together a beautiful montage, re-telling the greatest fairytale football has ever seen? From beginning to ending. Magical.
Editor: How the hell can we do that?
Journalist: What do you mean?
Editor: Well, for Ranieri to win the league, he had to replace a manager, right?
Journalist: Yeah, Nigel Pearson was sacked at the end of 2014/15 season.
Editor: And he was sacked amid the fall-out after the club fired his son for his part in racially abusing a Thai prostitute in an orgy? That's the start...it's not exactly Once Upon A Time.
Journalist: Okay, but what about what it says about the Premier League? That these foreign owners care about money first, and winning second?
Editor: But that's only because we all keep paying expensive satellite subscription fees to make the money such an issue?
Journalist: So let's focus on Ranieri's plight? He's been chucked out on his arse with nothing but a Premier League medal and....erm....a three..... million pound payoff. ......... maybe edit the montage a bit?
Editor: ...let's run it.
Friday, February 24th
Journalist: Boss, I'm here to apologise. I realise you asked for weighty issues, but all I've come back with is a Golfer Being Elitist, A Man Eats A Pie and a Nice Man Being Relieved Of A Job Working With A Horrible Group Of Players. I realise we are under pressure, but I promise to-
Editor: What are you on about, there's no need to apologise! I've just seen our ratings for the last few days..they are spectacular! Got any more pie stories?
Journalist: Er, no, not at the moment. But what about all that stuff you said on Monday about saving democracy?
Editor: Ah, don't worry about that. Seriously, that whole thing is overplayed. To prove that, I'm sending you to the GAA Congress this weekend, to show that democracy is still alive and well. It's a room of 300-odd delegates, representing every club member from across the association. Almost nothing is ever achieved: it's the most democratic process I've ever seen.
And you'll see that this weekend. Trust Congress. They won't for example, pass a motion that is totally against the declared will of the majority of its playing members...
Greatest League Broadcaster In The World
Credit to Eir Sport, their coverage of Dundalk's Europa League run last year was outstanding. So unsurprisingly, their coverage of the opening night of the League of Ireland last Friday did not disappoint, and was trademarked by innovation and passion. This, for example, is a relatively simple touch, but brilliantly effective:
Here's a round-up of the action from the @ExtratimeNews reporters around the grounds tonight. #LOI #DUNvSHA https://t.co/UrLd53mTyx
— eir Sport (@eirSport) February 24, 2017
See Also: Pics: Eejit Crystal Palace Fans Accidentally Vandalise Their Own Team Bus
