If there is ever another civil war in Ireland, it will not be between the Treatyites and the Republicans, or even Fine Gaelers and Sinn Féiners, or, even, dare I say it, between Dubs and culchies. It will be between fans of Manchester United and Liverpool.
In the interests of cooling tensions, we have decided to file this match report.
The world huddled around the television early on Sunday afternoon as the two kingpins of English football met in Anfield.
At the game's end, the most successful team in the history of English domestic football triumphed over 'we won it five times, in Istanbul, we won it five times' after a pulsating ninety minutes.
United took control of the game early on. Fellaini used his physical presence to great effect and managing to foul all around him without incurring the wrath of the referee who correctly adjudged them to be fair tackles.
But then United, with all their power and money, have been getting ridiculous favours of referees for years and they have also been the victims of this all too familiar charge from bitter teams who don't win as much as them.
They went ahead when Mata coolly slipped home a shot after a slick flowing move/ scored in front of that mound of concrete and plastic seats that Liverpool fans make a big deal about, the beloved and almost holy site that is the Spion Kop.
In the crowd watching with approval was the managerial legend who dominated English football for two decades taking United's tally of Premier League titles above Liverpool but who won one less European Cup than Bob Paisley.
At half time United could have been 3-0 up, thanks to their manifest brilliance and the referee's help which was largely irrelevant but also crucial.
Then on the hour mark, the best holding midfielder in Europe but who was never a top, top player, Steven Gerrard was introduced.
Then, one minute after the hour mark, he had to leave the pitch again.
Gerrard understandably but also stupidly reacted to a committed challenge/filthy studs up tackle from Ander Herrera but lightly trodding/viciously stamping on the promising young, talented but useless Spaniard's ankle.
It was a desperately sad but also tremendously funny way for his last ever Liverpool-Manchester United game to end. Over the course of a glittering 16 year career, where it also has to be acknowledged he won no Premier League titles, he showcased his formidable leadership capabilities but also his lack of ambition.
To his credit - but at the same time what does it matter - he acknowledged his mistake manfully in a tough/tame post-match interview which demonstrated the character of the man and the quality of his PR advisers.
He will soon head off to America with the taunts of graceless but triumphant Manchester United fans twitter correctly reminding him that they have the same number of Premier League medals as him. In the interests of full disclosure, it should be pointed out that Gerrard has won one more Champions League medal than 99% of these people.
Shortly after Mata's exquisite scissors kick/ goal made it 2-0, the referee showed his obvious bias but also his ability to treat different situations differently regardless of the crowd's braying when he refused to book Rooney for accidentally catching Mignolet's leg with a sneaky, nasty little kick.
With 20 minutes left, Sturridge scored a sumptuous/ consolation in from that dump which Liverpool fans fetishise because it's holy, consecrated ground.
The game's final act saw a highly significant moment that ultimately doesn't matter a jot, when Wayne Rooney had a penalty saved by his old foe Mignolet.
It all means that the United of old could be coming back but as anyone who watched football before 1992 will know - a category of people which includes about 4% of Manchester United fans - the United of old could mean the shite teams who won bugger all in the 1980s.
The Liverpool fans can take solace in the old maxim that 'form is temporary, class is permanent' although 25 years is a rather long time to be falling back on that one. At what point does this run they're on come to be regarded as a little less temporary. At this point, Margaret Thatcher will have to be re-classified as a stop-gap prime minister.
The referee was a prick throughout but that is not of any consequence even though it effectively decided the game.
Here is a pair of tweets.
FT Liverpool 1-2 Referee
— The Redmen (@LiamLFCButler) March 22, 2015
Seen Liverpool fans complaining about the referee...he was fine, you were asleep for the first 45 & then your captain let you down! #Stamp
— TomMellor (@MellorFootball) March 22, 2015
