Just what Irish football needs - another report.
But this one is different. Because this one has been devised by the Football in Ireland Visionary Group, the independent group chaired by former Irish international Niall Quinn.
Authored by Kieran Foley, another member of the group, the report entitled 'Strategic, Commercial, Operational and Governance Review of Football in Ireland' doesn't exactly scream, 'riveting page-turner'. Nevertheless, Balls dug deep into the 31-page document to save you the hassle and share the "visionary" ideas.
It was entertaining, certainly - not that it had much substance within. With phrases like "key learnings", "framework", "support elements" and "commercial sustainability" dotted throughout verbose statements, you get the general gist of what the report offers - guff.
But catering to the needs of our readers, looking for the main points from the report, Balls reluctantly brings you the the highlights - as depressing as they may be.
Community fundraising
While fundraising efforts at community level (community draws and raffles) will always reflect a viable option, they are by their nature limited in scope and somewhat ad hoc in nature.
A more evolved vision of needs and requirements, coupled with a more ambitious and innovative approach towards meeting same, can lead to a more resourceful, efficient and structured approach to maximising the commercial potential of Irish football across the country.
Well, that's a mouthful - a total of 70 words across two sentences. So, let's dissect: what does it all actually mean?
Truthfully, it's hard to know. The report mentions community draws and raffles as a "viable" fundraising option, while suggesting there are better alternatives. What the exact details of those alternatives seem hazy at best.
Continuing on the theme of hot air, the reports states:
Community workshops will be established to ensure there are regular and key learnings provided to the greatest number of volunteers and club members at the amateur level as possible as well as centralised distribution and support.
So workshops will be held with local volunteers so they are informed of "key learnings" to support some kind of centralised support system. The antonym of fathomable.
Already, we've more questions than answers - not to worry, surely the report will shed light on actual objectives as we navigate our way through a gruelling 31 pages.
Paying for facilities
Developing sustainable funding and income models to make sure new facilities pay for themselves.
Finally, a short and concise message - and one that everybody can agree with.
So, the details?
We're scrolling...
We're still scrolling...
And scrolling...
Alas, no sight of actual details.
This is becoming somewhat of a theme throughout the report. It does add that it will provide community groups with "information and guidance", without, once again, elaborating. The height of ambiguity. We move on.
Following the GAA example
The GAA are a model in our country for outreaching to community programmes and a shared reverence across community Gaelic games with respect to instructions and mandates that come from GAA HQ as a simple result of their shared commitment to the community values at local levels, is something we need to reflect on and better, utilising modern communications and technology and generating a centralised control mechanism to adapt.
Wow - another 70-word spiel. Whatever about the content matter - where in the name of Phil Babb are the full-stops?
To save you the mental torture of trawling through that, this - appears - to be the key message: Irish football needs to follow the GAA modus operandi which, in their view, includes the use of modern communications and technology and some sort of centralised control mechanism.
Telling the football fraternity in Ireland that they need to follow the GAA's lead is, perhaps, not the wisest of messages, without considering the poor execution of articulation.
What do the fans think?
The creation of fan forums and closer interactions is something that has extreme value not only in commercial attributes but also in the ability to broaden the participation of the game, and the quality of play with aspirational sense.
Even the forums' fans will scoff at this one. It's hardly a place to go to solve the day-to-day problems of the association. Do they mean online forums, though? Again, it's hard to tell with that same lack of detail evident once again.
By all accounts, this looks like an obvious attempt to curry favour with fans. They maintain it will broaden the quality of play with "aspirational sense."
Aspirational sense and fan forums - two phrases rarely used in the same sentence. Then again, is the former actually a phrase?
Utilise Uber
Boost public participation through deploying technology: e.g. create a FAI 'Uber-style' app, free for download, to help people all over the country find the nearest football pitch/playing surface to you (and to make bookings where applicable).
But it will be interesting to see them invest and develop something so ludicrous. The money required and risk factor, however, perhaps robs the idea of its comedic elements.
But who are we to judge? Surely they have details of how this will work coherently; sadly, you guessed it - no details.
Inclusion of women
Football, and especially women’s football, will benefit from the involvement of women on governing bodies and in management. In principle, the FAI should have women involved at all decision-making levels, including the Executive Committee.
Fabulous idea, though it comes with a profound stench of irony, considering the absence of women from their own "visionary" group - Lesley Spuhler being the only one.
There are nine members of the committee: Niall Quinn, Kieran Foley, Roy Barrett, Gerry Muldowney, Lesley Spuhler, Barry Lysaght, Eoin Kellett, James O'Dowd and Gary Owens - and it's assumed all of them had some input in the report.
Perhaps, Spuhler is sufficient representation for women in the group, but considering her work consists mainly of work with Sunderland it's hard to see how informed she is of the current situation for women's football in the country.
Overall objectives
- Qualify for the FIFA Men’s World Cup competition by 2026 and the European Championships by 2028 and the FIFA Women’s World Cup by 2027.
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Qualify for the semi-finals of the FIFA World Cup in 2038
A healthy combination of the under-ambitious and the over-ambitious. From the off, it's clear the group have little faith in our current senior men's side. While Mick McCarthy's reign as Irish boss has gone reasonably well, winning both Euro 2020 qualifiers since he took over, it clearly hasn't impressed this particular group.
Not only are they appearing to assume the side won't qualify for the 2020 competition, the 2024 competition is also viewed as a bridge too far.
But not to worry, qualifying for the World Cup semi-finals in 2038 seems like a perfectly logical objective.
All in all, the report seems a tad heavy on the codswallop - to borrow a child-friendly word - and completely lacking discerning and reachable objectives.
If this is the great initiative that will guide us through the current desert - well, we're set for another prolonged period of utter mediocrity.
