Louis Van Gaal called for increased levels of horniness among the Manchester United players for tonight's second leg tie against Midtjylland. Christmas party levels of horniness, if that's possible. And, after an early show of nerves, the players responded. Their greater amorousness was rewarded with a 5-1 win.
Horniness has, of course, been in short supply at Old Trafford since the departure of Alex Ferguson. The last two and a half seasons have witnessed limp display after limp display. United's impotence as an attacking force has been a particular source of dismay to their admirers. Put simply, they have flopped far too often on the big day.
Here are five figures possessed of greater vigour than the current crop.
Lee Sharpe
He led poor Ryan Giggs astray in the spring of 1992. United were novices in the title-chasing game and they were crumbling under the strain. Sharpey and Giggsy were discovered at a house-party by Alex Ferguson who ordered everyone out of the house, cuffing all the revelers on the back of the head as they exited. All but two were not employees of his.
This wasn't a sex-party per say but Roy Keane's first autobiography is replete with references to Sharpe's jack-the-lad-ness.
Mark Bosnich
Participated in what the tabloids are won't to describe as a 'drink-fueled sex romp' with Dwight Yorke and four girls in the latter's luxury house in Sutton Coldfield. Cutting edge and adventurous folk that they are, they videod the festivities.
Torkie threw the video in the trash but an opportunistic 'Sun reader' rooted it out.
Dwight Yorke
Dwight Yorke enjoyed one magnificent season at Old Trafford before the women 'got him'. So abject was his form towards the end of his spell at Manchester United, that his first year has been diminished in the public memory.
Fergie, in his exasperation, tried to get him to consider marriage.
Would I give up the women and nights out for another year at United? Would that make me happy? Would that make me the person I am today? I’m not so sure.
What you see is what you get with me and that’s how I was. Even though my time was cut short at United because of my nights out and the women, I have no hang-ups about that, it made me feel happy. I went to United to win things and I achieved that.
Fergie once told me to get married. I just smiled at him. What am I supposed to say? ‘All right boss, can you find me a woman?’ I think we have slightly different tastes in women.
Also, see above.
George Best
Legend has it that there was barely a Miss World between the years 1967 and 1988 that didn't spend a night in bed with George. A night in the sack with the fifth Beatle came with the tiara.
Even on the Late Late Show back in 1990, the only place in Ireland where sex was allowed be alluded to in those days, George was inclined to get frisky. Fay Weldon, also appearing on the show, told a story of how she had nabbed a bottle of champers meant for Georgie.
George quickly remarked that 'you owe me one... And a bottle of champagne as well!' Gaybo duly told him off.
Ryan Giggs
Here, we will choose to abide by the terms of the obsolete super-injunction.
