UPDATE - Originally published all the way back in August, we asked some of the Balls.ie authors for some outlandish predictions for the 2015/16 season.
Fresh off revealing our respective fantasy football squads which - though met with hoards of vitriolic criticism - still managed to fail far more spectacularly than any of us could have imagined, we're back with a fresh batch of extraordinary shouts for the actual Premier League season.
All of these are probably going to happen, so remember where you heard them first and maybe even send us a voucher when you win thousands in May. Here we go:
Brian Reynolds: Roberto Firmino To Be Named PFA Player Of The Year
Jesus, that's some start.
Brian is irate that what he genuinely perceives to be an eventuality can get you odds of up to 50/1 with various bookmakers.
That being said, those odds - though viewed by Brian to be an affront to his considerable footballing knowledge - haven't prevented him from investing his impending winnings on a trip to the Antarctic with his family in early 2017, where he plans on taking in the famous Bombanera atmosphere in Buenos Aires before ferrying south to follow in Tom Crean's footsteps.
What happened: Not the worst shout that we've had, but not exactly the best either. Considering some of the performances he's put in this season, we might need to refresh this one for next year.
Conor Neville: Massimo Cellino to return home and become the next Italian prime minister
Neville's snobbery toward the Premier League has reached new heights as he goes full-on renegade to the narrative, with a left-of-field Leeds United prediction .
Considered a 'proper football man' by his colleagues at both Balls and the Irish Examiner, the man strongly linked with the Longford Gaelic football managerial position maintains that the Leeds United chairman, too, will likely look to pastures anew and embark on a Berlusconi-esque career in politics.
What happened: Still mad as a box of frogs but not quite too the extent that he has decided to get involved in Italian politics. A poor shout in retrospect.
PJ Browne: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain To Be Named Football Writers' Player Of The Year
PJ would like to point out that this decision was taken out of his hands, and that in actual fact he predicts 'The Ox' will pip Roberto Firmino to the post as PFA Player of the Year.
The option of Writers' Player of the Year was only explored subsequently, when we realised we already had a PFA award prediction. It also just seemed funnier for some reason.
Browne, however, fails to see the amusing side of being badgered into publicising a warped version of his own prediction, telling Balls,
It just seems like a cop-out now,
before storming out of the office to embark on his walking tour of west Cork, Wicklow and Mayo.
What happened: The token Arsenal fan in the office still holding out hope that the Ox will come good. It didn't happen and it looks like it may never happen.
Mikey Traynor: Mike Smalling to be named in the Premier League Team of the Year
Manchester United won't be signing another high profile centre back, so Chris - or is it Mike? - Smalling will be first choice. And provided he can stay fit, he's a good defender. His performance against Spurs was exceptional,
Mikey said. Or at least, I think that's what he said. He was seeing how much Manhattan popcorn he could fit in his mouth at the time. He also refused to clarify which Team of the Year Smalling will feature in, instead simply uttering,
One of them.
What happened: A perfectly adequate prediction. It didn't quite happen thanks to the form of Alderweireld and Morgan but Mikey certainly hasn't disgraced himself here.
Mallorie Ronan: Marouane Chamakh to be Premier League top scorer
When contacted about her prediction which we received by carrier pigeon from Cahir, Co. Tipperary, Mallorie was typically up front:
I'll be honest, I haven't a clue if that even makes sense!
I cheated and asked my housemate.
I should probably point out that Mallorie likely lives with Marouane Chamakh.
What happened: We'll just ignore this one and move swiftly along.
Gavin Cooney: Jose Enrique Quits Instagram Citing 'Footballing Reasons'
Frankly, this one is just too difficult to believe. But Gav was good enough to send a few more:
@GavanCasey Following defeat,Mourinho accepts total responsibility refusing to insult individuals in increasingly obscure, peripheral roles
— Gavin Cooney (@gcooney93) August 13, 2015
@GavanCasey The Football World refuse to overreact when a millionaire from a tough background is caught smoking a perfectly legal high
— Gavin Cooney (@gcooney93) August 13, 2015
@GavanCasey Scientists Discover That Humanity Stands On Cusp Of Generational Epoch Known As Liverpool's Year
— Gavin Cooney (@gcooney93) August 13, 2015
What happened: Splendid prediction. He may have since returned to social media but back in September, Enrique did in fact 'vow' to quite Twitter and Instagram in an effort to fight for his place in the team. And sure enough, he duly made a couple of appearances during the Steven Caulker era of Liverpool defensive crises so at least there's that.
Mark Farrelly: Roberto Martinez will get sacked with Everton in the relegation zone, and David Moyes will rescue them
As touched on in this video, Mark bases much of his footballing comprehension on dreams and premonitions - which he has christened 'Mark's Waters.'
The Cavan man maintains his these oracle-like gut feelings were the sole cause for Bobby Zamora receiving an England call-up in 2010, and are a seventh sense - his sixth being the ability to detect if you're after squeezing the shite out of a teabag before handing him a cuppa.
Farrelly's left-of-field predictions are a regular feature on our Fantasy Football Podcast, which you can check out at the end of this page. Following his suggested Moyes return, Mark will be subjected to disciplinary proceedings which will be dealt with in-house in the coming weeks.
Gary Reilly: Everton will be relegated
Not a known lover of fairytales, Gary rejects the Moyesian ending and instead opts for the full-blown disaster story for the Toffees in 2015/16.
Gary maintains that his prediction is based on Roberto Martinez basically telling Jamie Carragher that he couldn't give a shite about conceding goals, but Balls sources suggest that Gar is still embittered by an incident during his audition for The Expendables 3 back in 2013, when renowned Evertonian Sylvester Stallone accidentally punched him in the neck.
What happened: We'll group these final two together and say that although the extent of our Martinez distrust was a bit severe, we weren't too far off the mark. Another couple of predictions to be slightly proud of.
Gavan Casey: Garry Monk will finally snap
Does that look like an emotionally stable man to you?
My own prediction is that Swansea City's manager - widely regarded as one of the nicest men in football - will finally reveal his true colours, and the rigours of football management combined with fathering two newborn twins will culminate in a bitter and violent touchline incident with Jonjo Shelvey.
Monk will regrettably be placed on gardening leave, and - freed from the shackles of Premier League management - will go on to raise a lovely family.
I think you'll probably agree it's the safest prediction of the bunch.
What happened: He didn't quite snap and, in the end, he was rather dignified in defeat but we're putting this one down as a win in the prediction stakes.
