So absurd are these transfer rumours, reading them with the benefit of hindsight evokes a cringe not unlike that from your early Facebook statuses.
Football was once an escapist activity reserved for Saturday afternoons at 3pm. Then, television corporations realised the marketing potential of something viewers will continue to watch, regardless of its quality. Now it is omnipresent; the sport has morphed into a never-ending entertainment show with heroes, villains, and redeemed figures (like Pegguy Arphexad).
To aid football's move to ubiquity, media outlets have attempted to produce some aspects of fan culture on a daily basis.
One of the finer aspects of fan culture is what is termed the 'ten to three' feeling. It is a moment of sheer optimism on the opening day of the season, ten minutes before kick-off, as you have yet to see your new team play, meaning that anything is possible. Your side is technically joint top of the league, and your new signings might become a massive success. With the sun shining on an August day, you have ten glorious minutes to bask in mindless and boundless optimism.
This is soon crushed when your team are two goals down by ten past three, but hey, you can cling to that 'ten to three' feeling next year.
With football now an hourly pursuit, one of the ways media outlets have come up with replicating this optimism on a daily basis is the publishing of transfer gossip columns. 95% of these transfer rumours take centre stage at the Theatre Of Bullshit, but the veracity of these rumours is not important.The optimism that a potential big-money signing can bring is what is important. It is a way of recreating that 'ten to three' feeling on a morning commute.
And, analogous with the 'ten to three' feeling, the rumours rarely come through. We have decided to look back at some of the rumours that made the gossip columns on this week ten years ago, and ask how different things could have been.
Monday March 13 2006
Pascal Chimbonda To AC Milan
Yep, at this stage in 2006, Guadeloupe-born Pascal Chimbonda was two-thirds of the way through his debut season with Wigan in the Premier League. He was quite impressive, playing all 38 games, and ultimately ended up in the PFA Team of the Year, ahead of Gary Neville and Steve Finnan.
His form was good enough to warrant the headline 'Milan have been keeping tabs on Wigan full-back Pascal Chimbonda ahead of a summer swoop'.
Sadly, it did not happen. Chimbonda instead went to Spurs, and Milan had to limp on with a defence of Jaap Stam, Alessandro Nesta, Paolo Maldini and Cafu.
Vincenzo Iaquinta To Either Spurs Or Roma
Spurs were apparently in danger of being gazumped™ in their pursuit of the Udinese striker who wasn't Antonio Di Natale: the great lumbering, and languorous figure of Vincenzo Iaquinta. An odd target, given that Spurs already had the great lumbering and languorous figure of Mido up front.
In the end, Iaquinta did not go to either side and went to Juventus in 2007, where he was third choice behind David Trezeguet and Alessandro Del Piero.
Mido went to Middlesborough.
Liam Lawrence To Everton
At the time, Irish International Liam Lawrence was at Sunderland, a spell which was most notable for his looking similar to club legend Michael Gray. Reports claimed that Lawrence was going to follow Mick McCarthy out the exit door at Sunderland -who had been sacked by the club that week - and join Everton for two million pounds.
In the end Lawrence stayed with the Black Cats and was loaned to Stoke City the next season, where he produced the best form of his career, a streak that earned him a call-up to the Irish squad.
Everton had to satisfied with the lumbering and languorous figure of Andy Van Der Meyde.
Tuesday March 14 2006
Olympiakos To Pip Liverpool To Fabio Aurelio
Injury-plagued Aurelio was a free agent, having been released by Valencia. Liverpool did end up signing Aurelio - the first Brazilian to play with the club - and he was a fine left-back. You suspect he would have had a successful Liverpool career had it not been for his cursed luck with injuries. His injuries meant that Liverpool fans had to acquaint themselves too regularly with Emiliano Insua.
The Olympiakos medical department are pretty glad this one didn't happen.
Alan Curbishley To Pip Martin O'Neill To England Job
For those of you who feel like Alan Curbishley has been linked with jobs for what seems like ten years: you are absolutely correct. Apparently, the FA were changing their minds at this time as to who would replace Sven Goran Erikson as England manager. On this day, they apparently oscillated away from favourite Martin O'Neill and towards Alan Curbishley, Sam Allardyce or Stuart Pearce.
In the end, they appointed Poor Steve McClaren, and the FAI ended up with O'Neill a few years later. Good call from an Irish point of view, at least.
Wednesday March 15 2006
Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Andriy Shevchenko And Ashley Cole To Chelsea
Two out of three ain't bad. Although Chelsea fans will argue they could have picked a better two.
Samir Nasri To Spurs
How different things could have been. Nasri, then a 19 year old at Marseille, instead went to Arsenal, where he soon became incredibly unpopular for rejecting them in favour of a move to Man City. Had he gone to Spurs, and subsequently rejected them for a move to a richer club - calling their ambitions as a football club into question during the process - would have made him quite popular among Arsenal fans today.
Alain Perrin To Replace Jacques Santini At Auxerre
Remember these guys?
Thursday March 16 2006
Fernando Torres To Newcastle
Newcastle fans, remember when your club had ambition? A move for a striker as highly touted as Torres seems unfeasible today, even in the fantasy realm of the gossip columns. Torres instead went to Liverpool in 2007, and Newcastle needed a replacement for Alan Shearer, who retired at the end of that season. They ultimately had to make do with Shola Ameobi and a crocked Michael Owen.
Ruud Van Nistelrooy To Newcastle
Van Nistelrooy fell out with Alex Ferguson having been dropped for the Carling Cup Final, and was set to leave United. Newcastle's hopes of pairing him with Torres/Shola Ameobi fell through, as Ruud ultimately went to Real Madrid.
Alan Curbishley To Be Appointed England Manager
Curbs!
Friday March 17 2006
Gary Breen Set to Storm Out Of Sunderland
Say it ain't so. Gary Breen had been stripped of the captaincy at Sunderland, and with Mick McCarthy gone and Liam Lawrence set to join him, the Irish influence on the field was dwindling, the defender threatened to quit. He ultimately hung around for relegation - Breen ended up going down with Sunderland, Coventry and West Ham - and joined Wolves, where he was also made captain.
Javier Mascherano To Manchester United
Silly United. They should have known they couldn't compete with Alan Pardew and West Ham.
Thomas Gravesen To Real Madrid
This actually happened, folks. The Danish Lee Carsley.
Ledley King To Chelsea In Return For Arjen Robben, Glen Johnson And Eidur Gudjohnsen
We assume Chelsea never actually proposed this deal, because if Spurs rejected it...
