If the Premier League was to be directed by Ken Loach, Michael Dean would be his main star: the man who transcends the mean streets of *checks Wikipedia* Heswall, Wirral, to bring his uniquely flamboyant refereeing talents to the macho realm of Premier League football.
Amid English football's hulking mass of men diving, feigning injury and getting in petty fights with colleagues over handshakes and extra-marital affairs (Loach may, admittedly, need to rewrite some of this) Dean is the man who brings some showstopping glamour to it all; the Billy Elliot of football arbitration.
Mike Dean was one of many things up for discussion on today's Football Show podcast, including the Premier League personality we would least like to share a lift with, and how difficult a gig co-commentary is.
Amid the swirling maelstrom of bile blowing about social media, along with the abuse that rolls down from the stands, it takes a great man to not be influenced by the cretinous opinions of others, and an even greater man to be further strengthened in his resolve.
So as an example to all those in even semi-public life stands Michael Julius Alexander Augustus Nelson Dean*: whistle between lips, eyes wide open, arms forever outstretched: eternally looking ridiculous.
*These may be not his official nicknames.
Here is a dive into the deep world of Mike Dean videos.
The wider the eyes, the higher the authority
Go on, you just dare try and outstare him.
A penalty award can never be too theatrical
Dean understands the great theatre of the penalty, and he always rises to the occasion.
Although he realises a goal-kick deserves attention too
Assured.
He shows foul throw-ins the disrespect they deserve
He genuinely seems affronted by
He gets pretty close to his colleagues
This was from tonight's Manchester Derby. We're not entirely sure what he's doing, either.
He bloody loves the advantage rule
Dean has evidently played FIFA, and heard how absurdly happy the commentators are when a referee decides to play advantage. He has a spectacular way of giving advantage:
He celebrates when the rule's relevance plays out. Jamie Carragher spotted this on Monday Night Football:
He also hates when the advantage rule doesn't work out:
He is versatile, mind. Along with the 'arms outstretched', Dean has mastered the hop, skip and jump:
We've also never seen a referee love giving soft yellow cards in the final five minutes of a game to players who haven't been booked yet. The Mike Dean Yellow Card Storm in the final five minutes of a game is one of the Premier League's eternal truths.
Mike Dean: Eternally ridiculous; forever himself.
