What with the absence of actual football news, we took the logical step to filling the empty air time on yesterday's Balls.ie Football Show: we read out our favourite parts of the December 1994 issue of Manchester United's official magazine. You can listen to the podcast below.
Having talked through the highlights of that magazine, this writer did not want to let the opportunity to write about it pass by, so here are seven of the things we learned while flicking through the December 1994 issue of the official Manchester United magazine.
There were plenty of irrational and impatient football fans before the era of Arsenal FanTV
Noted academic, author, and Spanish football expert Sid Lowe tweeted back in 2011: "Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat". The rise of social media and the advent of fan Youtube channels that thrive on irrational and uncontrolled anger have shown many football fans in a poor light. But such fury and madness has always existed, and once found a home on the pages of this magazine.
Under a section cleverly called WriteBACK, a letters page to which the editor of the magazine replies, a United fan called Chris, from Blackpool, offered some advice to Alex Ferguson.
Why doesn't Alex Ferguson sell Ryan Giggs? AC Milan (and other rich clubs) have been trailing Giggsy for some time now, so when they are knocking on Man United's door with 15 or 16 million pound offers United should take it and use the money to bring on more promising players. I would love to see Steve McManaman prosed from Liverpool, or perhaps Jason Wilcox pinched from Blackburn. Ruel Fox might also be a good investment.
Anyway back to Giggsy. He really hasn't been on good form lately, while Lee Sharpe has proved himself to be at the top of his game. Watching his excellent performance against Barcelona I am susprised no other club has offered us £15 [sic?] for him yet!
Most other fans argue that we shouldn't sell Giggsy because he is the new George Best or something. I just don't think this is true. He has about as much potential as the Tottenham defence has at keeping a clean sheet!
So come on Fergie, sell Giggs!
The magazine offered a terse reply:
We're sorry, Chris, but we have nothing but outrage for your views. Ryan is only twenty years' old and has already proved himself a world class player. A small spate of injuries is no reason to slag off one of our greatest assests.
History has not been kind to Chris from Blackpool. Or to Ruel Fox.
The magazine offered an interesting alternative to Google
Before the internet existed to immediately settle bets and answer everyone's questions, this magazine offered an alternative. In a section called Q&A, which asks readers to send questions to "settle your bets or sleep easier at night". It threw up a couple of interesting queries...
From Paula, in Cornwall:
I am writing to you because I have a rather novel plan: If I were to send a friendship bracelet to Lee Sharpe, would he wear it?
This from a 'Keamus from Co. Londonderry'. (That's how it appears in the magazine).
I am a diabetic and I would like to know if any of United's players also suffer from the affliction.
And this from Gail in Teeside:
Please, could you please tell me if Ryan Giggs' hairdresser has kept any of his hair as I would like at least one strand?
This is essentially a willing participation in the horror of leaking your Google search history.
Roy Keane was crap at Fantasy Football
The magazine features a table of the fantasy teams managed by some of the United players, along with coaches Eric Harrison and Brian Kidd. The Kidd-managed Fergie's Fledglings were top of the league at the halfway stage, two points clear of Jim Ryan's Perfidious Albion.
Roy Keane's Haircut 100s were fifth from bottom, with a worryingly poor minus 35 points. Denis Irwin endured an even worse start to the season: his perfectly-named The Quiet Men were second from bottom, with minus 79 points, just four points clear of Ryan Giggs' Swinton Rappers.
Other notable team names included Dion Dublin's Horn Section, Paul Ince's The Homies, Gary Pallister's Pally's Easy Riders and Nicky Butt's Butty.
Man United were pedaling club tat in the mid-90s
United's commercial department were just as sharp back in the 1990s. The magazine has a double-page spread recommending club-branded gifts that would make a fine Christmas gift. Here, for example, is the description of a United Mahogany Clock:
No log cabin or sauna cubicle can be complete without this tasteful mahogony Manchester United clock. The absence of numerals allows the Red Devils logo to shine through like a beacon, and the stylish design means it'll look fine throughout the home or workplace.
The Rolex of the wall-clock world.
United, the great football team of one of England's greatest industrial cities, selling a clock to people who own sauna cubicles. When was it that football lost its soul?
Here's the clock.
It sold at £12.99, by the way.
It hinted at the new age
The magazine carried a review of a brand new Manchester United CD-ROM, recounting the 1993/94 double-winning season, and included videos of goals, facts, and stats. Here's the exuberant announcement, as United boldly go where no club has gone before...
The club which brought you Fred the Red pencil cases and Ryan Giggs duvet covers now becomes the first football club to enter the digital age.
On this terrifying technological advancement, the review assuages our fears:
CD-ROM is a relatively new idea that is set to become as popular as regular CDs, or sliced white bread.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the review was glowing:
This is the first CD-ROM I have played on which actually makes sense to a computer novice. It is also very entertaining unlike most other CD-ROMs you find these days such as Animals of the World or Tour of the Smithsonian.
This might just be the first CD-ROM to break out of the nerd market and into the mainstream.
It featured a strange, New Yorker-style cartoon series
It had plenty of WTF
The back pages of the magazine features Red Corner, which features quizzes, stats and some other extremely weird shit. This included a "Design Your Own Ideal Player" that swiftly descended into modern art. The submission in this edition of the magazine came from Kendall Howard of Fort William:
Most people wouldn't think a muffin would make an ideal head for a footballer but to me the muffin captures some of those essential Red qualities - freshness, Englishness, and a certain wonderful spongey quality.
What!?
The other features on this ideal footballer include:
Muffin Head
Kylie Minogue's Eyes and Glasses - For Vision and Career Strategy
Michael Caine's Left Arm - For Wit and Deportment
Gabriella Sabatini's Right Arm - For Strength and Beauty
Paul Ince's Torso - For Sheer Guts
The Legs of a Young Boy - For Innocence and the Promise of Growing Into Greatness
Here's the accompanying photo:
Tucked beside this is some small print:
The views expressed in The Red Corner in no way represent the views of Manchester United....or, indeed, anyone.
Quite.
