When Jon Walters scored his second goal last night I was overcome by a strange phenomenon. My immediate reaction was to send out a tweet, roaring 'I WILL HAVE JON WALTERS' BABIES.'
I WILL HAVE JONNY WALTERS' BABIES!
— Mark Farrelly (@MarkFarrelly131) November 16, 2015
Now being a straight man who neither possesses a womb nor any sort of family planning material, this seemed an odd, instinctive response. However, within 10 seconds Paddy Power had tweeted out a similar offer.
JON WALTERS CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!!
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) November 16, 2015
Leaving aside the fact that Paddy Power got 367 retweets and I got none - the pricks - I began to wonder was this more widespread than one might imagine. I was not disappointed:
JONNIE WALTERS!!!! HAVE MY BABIES!!!!! #IREvBOS #COYBIG
— Brian Bateman (@bbateman12) November 16, 2015
JON WALTERS HAVE MY BABIES
— Nate (@NateGuildea) November 16, 2015
I want to have Jonathan Walters' babies you fucking sexy animal
— David Fox (@DFoxOfficial) November 16, 2015
Walters let me have your babies!
— Darragh Cassidy (@im_Darragh) November 16, 2015
Yes Walters again 2-0 oh Jon can I have your babies 😜😀 #IREvBOS
— brian mcmahon (@bpmcm) November 16, 2015
I would gladly have Johnathon Walters' babies. #Ireland
— Karl (@KarlosWrites) November 16, 2015
BIG JONNY WALTERS HAVE MY BABIES YOU SEXY BASTARD
— Spurs Views (@SpursViews_) November 16, 2015
Jon Walters, I want to have babies with you (and Shane Long).#IRLBIH #GoingtoFrance
— 𝙠𝘿𝙖𝙢𝙤 (@kDamo) November 16, 2015
Jon Walters can have my babies
— David (@TheRealD0k) November 16, 2015
I'd give Jon walters me babies
— Gary Fitzsimons (@GaryFitzsimons_) November 16, 2015
JONATHAN WALTERS HAVE MY BABIES!!! #COYBIG
— David Cullinane (@DavidCullinane4) November 16, 2015
OUR NEXT ALBUM WILL BE CALLED JON WALTERS YOU CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES PLEASE 🇮🇪🇮🇪🇮🇪
— Only Rivals (@onlyrivals) November 16, 2015
JONNY FECKIN WALTERS HAVE MA BLOODY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!
— Also Known As Mac. acab 🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹 (@TheMcInator) November 16, 2015
There'll be many babies in 9 months called Walters #COYBIG
— Murph (@247_lukey) November 16, 2015
Johnny Walters have my babies 🍀☘
— TJNG (@Tom_Gaf) November 16, 2015
If anyone is a psychologist out there, can you please explain why so many people had this knee-jerk reaction? In terms of the men who made this offer, is it that we have some sort of subconscious insecurity about our ability to be a father. How low is our self-esteem that we need to call in another father-figure for our child?
Have any of us really considered the complexities that having Jon Walters' children would entail? The late-night feedings, the problems that having a child with a professional footballer who spends so much time travelling etc. What would his wife think? Where would the children go to school? Would I need to move to England?
Actually maybe we've taken up the meaning of 'have' wrong here. Maybe the babies already exist and people are offering ownership of them to Walters. A sort of 'Here. Take him. He's yours now,' kind of job.
After a long think, I am withdrawing my offer to have his babies. Sorry Jon, I love you be this is just too much too soon. You just have to accept me naming my first born after you.
Also read: How You Can Be More Like Jon Walters - A 16 Step Guide
Also read: James McClean Was The Soundest Man In Ireland During Jon Walters' Penalty
