For anyone was born in western Europe after 1945, these really are unprecedented times. Rationing, self-isolation: these are life practices borrowed from wartime and the truth is, many of us are learning as we go. If we're going to get through this, we need to remember that we're all in this together and we have to maintain our own sense of dignity so that the world doesn't descend into chaos.
For some of us, that means don't poo near the homes of strangers.
This morning on Twitter, Jon Walters shared the story of encountering a man yesterday who was defecating not far from his doorstep. Walters and his wife and dog were heading off for a walk when they encountered a pedestrian taking a shite. The perpetrator legged it, not expecting to be chased a former professional footballer who was capped 54 times at international level. What happens next is pretty gross, and is best explained by Walters himself.
TRUE STORY FROM YESTERDAY!..I was walking with my wife and dog out of the gate to my house and saw a man squatting, shorts around ankles, exposing everything and leaving us a present💩 He spots us, pulls up shorts and proceeds to sprint off...
— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
...I soon realised this guy was a decent runner but he had seriously underestimated my hill sprinting ability. Running on a 45 degree hill I was catching him up fast whilst telling him so. He had all the gear and no idea! I caught him up stopping him in his tracks...
— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
...I proceeded to tell him to go back to clean it up💩 He then began to argue what he had done was acceptable and demands tissue paper and a bag! I told him to use the pretty red T-shirt he’s wearing. A neighbour hears the commotion...
— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
...With my phone in hand, I decided to take a short video of him doing so...as proof! He then physically removes my phone out of my hand saying No, No, No! I physically retrieve my phone back and he realises he’s still a runner, with all the gear and no idea!..
— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
...An older couple, having watched the whole episode unfold in front of them approach me. With a wry smile on his face the husband tells me that he told his wife “There’s no chance he’s getting away from him!” Honestly the lengths...
— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
...I could also post the video I took of him and put it on Social Media to hopefully deter him from doing this again 🤷🏽♂️
Remember to stay safe, social distance yourselves and don’t go shitting on other people’s property!#poogate— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
First of all, it's great to see Walters is staying fit.
Second of all, it's essential for all people to remember that the basic laws of civilisation have not been suspended because of the lockdown. Pooing in plain sight is still not allowed. You see Walters was forced to suspend his own rules on self-distancing in order to confront the pooer, only to be thrust into a situation where all kinds of disgusting microbes could have been exchanged. This is not on. Poo inside.
Long distance running can often provide a stern test of the bowels and digestive organs but that doesn't mean one is allowed to defecate in front of people in broad daylight. Hopefully the rampant toilet paper hoarding happening across the world is not responsible for this situation.
Let us end this article by echoing Walters' key point of advice: 'Remember to stay safe, social distance yourselves and don’t go shitting on other people’s property!'
