'Jimmy Bullard Manager' is the sign that adorns the former Wigan and Fulham midfielders desk these days. For Bullard has scrubbed out B****r M******t and left Soccer AM behind for a few months to try his hand at management, and he is currently in charge of Leatherhead, a non-league team in the Isthmian League, which is the seventh tier of English football.
At the weekend, Leatherhead were playing fellow non-leaguers Kingstonians, and were beaten 3-2. Founder of ZonalMarking.net and tormentor of Irish Football Michael Cox - a Kingstonians fan - was at the game, and appeared on this week's edition of The Guardian's Football Weekly.
He recalled the moment in Bullard went to swipe at a football only to slip and fall into mud, ruining his coat, with Bullard's anguished response: 'Oi, 'at is 500 quid worv' of Dolce and Gabbana!'.
As entertaining as that sounds - adults falling over is, for example, the plot to Home Alone - Kingstonians have put a spectacular match report of the game on their website, in which they take the piss out of Bullard. It is done in the style of Roddy Doyle's Two Pints, a literary genre which makes the death of a well-loved celebrity even more difficult to take.
This, however, is just great. The report is entitled Jamie Cutteridge Overhears a Conversation at the Pub.
Here's the introduction:
Oi oi, Gaz. Where you been? It’s 6pm on a Saturday night and you’ve only just got here. You’re normally 3 jaegerbombs down by now…
“Been at the Grove watching Ks ain’t I, Phil.”
“Ks? That’s not normally you’re scene, you’re more of a Streatham Rovers guy.”
“I wasn’t there for Ks, mate. That legend Jimmy Bullard is Leatherhead’s manager. I just went for a taste of that sweet Bullard banter.”
The entire report then comes together to a glorious crescendo, as Bullard falls on his arse:
You know in Only Fools and Horses when Del Boy falls through the bar?”
“hahahahahahahahahahahahah yeah. Hahahahahha love that mate. Hahahah funniest thing ever.”
“hahahahah yeah it is isn’t it. Because….
[in unision] “TRIGGER PULLS A FACE”
“Exactly. Well, mate. I saw something funnier than Del Boy falling through the bar.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Mate. Bullard, he’s there in his skinny jeans and designer coat. He kicks the ball AND FALLS OVER. RIGHT ONTO HIS BUM AND GETS MUD ON HIS DOLCE AND GABANA. Oh mate.”
“MATE!”
“Exactly mate. Great banter. Everyone loved it.”
And, while exulting in their victory, the killer - and entirely expected - line comes at the end:
Well anyway, Leatherhead got another one, but it didn’t matter. They lost.”
“Maybe Bullard should have done the team talk on the pitch at half time.”
Read the full report on the Kingstonians website.
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