THIS IS A READING FROM THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BARRY DAVIES - (FIRST RECITED IN THE BBC'S REVIEW OF WORLD CUP 2022)
One day when all the planet was awash with World Cup fever, a local Nazerath girl called Mary was visited in a dream by an angel and was informed that she would conceive a son by the power of the Holy Spirit. An abortion was out of the question.
Mary initially wanted to call the child Pogba in honour of the hero of that summer, but the angel insisted that Jesus would be the name.
'After the former Atletico Madrid chairman?' Mary said out loud in her sleep.
The angel sighed and rolled his eyes and said 'Yes, after the former Atletico Madrid chairman.'
Mary then had the unenviable task of selling this tale to her husband Joseph.
Joseph stumbled home from the pub that evening having been enthralled by Belgium defeating the USA on penalties (or the great Satan as the US were known in Joseph's part of the world).
Just as he was about to launch into a tirade about the referee's handling of the game and how it should never have gone as far as penalties, Mary dropped her bombshell.
He initially harboured suspicions that she had been impregnated by one of those Dutch revellers who were passing by on their way to the World Cup.
But then Mary got the angel on the blower again and he told Joseph for himself that what Mary was saying was bang on the money.
These rumours about Mary's child are malicious and hurtful. We couldn't be happier
— Joseph Christ (@josephtchrist) February 24, 2015
THE BIRTH
Joseph naturally assumed that the pregnancy would take about nine months - for that was how long they usually took.
So, him and Mary went in for a couple of drinks in Bethlehem to watch the World Cup quarter-final between England and Germany. Next thing, as the game went to extra-time, Mary's waters broke.
'What the hell is this about?' was her initial reaction but then the angel knocked in again and told her the baby eight and a half months premature.
Unfortunately, Joseph was too enthralled by the action and couldn't be budged.
She went to the hospital alone but the entrance was clogged up with ambulances carrying in the wounded from the latest riot. The A & E was jammed with drunkards.
Desperate, she went to a nearby Holiday Inn.
The owner was incredulous when she asked could they get a room.
The whole pregnancy sob story made no impression on him whatsoever.
Are you mad? The fuckin' World Cup is on! We're booked up with half of Manchester and Glasgow. Sling your 'ook
Mary traipsed off and resigned herself to giving birth on the side of the road while some happy German fan pissed into a drain beside her.
This England-Germany game is sick... #ENGvGER
— Joseph Christ (@josephtchrist) February 24, 2015
STABLE
At last, she found a stable in a nearby farm.
As luck would have it, the BBC, who had set up camp in the Kremlin for the World Cup four years previously, had erected their World Cup studio in a stable for this World Cup.
It stood adjacent to the stable where Mary was to knock out her kid.
In that stable, with Ian Wright and Mark Lawrenson acting as midwifes, Mary gave birth to the son of God.
The whole thing could be watched via the red button.
RTE, meanwhile, decided to set up their studio in Donnybrook.
THREE WISE MEN
Somewhere in a faraway land, three wise men spied a star in the sky. One of the wise men thought it was Mars, the other was adamant it was Venus.
However, the other wise man told them to forget about the star and check out what was going down on the BBC red button channel.
Ian Wright had just announced that he had delivered the son of God live on air.
The wise men were well aware that Wrighty had been known to make some dubious claims in the past but this one looked kosher.
They decided they had too set up a meeting with this kid and agree personal terms.
THE JOURNEY
The journey to the stable proved to be an arduous one. For one thing, one of the three wise men was black and was prevented from boarding a train on the continent by a group of England fans who belonged to the Chelsea headhunters firm.
The wise men's protestations that they were in a rush to try and see the Son of God were given short shrift by the Headhunters who assumed that because one of the wise men had darkish skin that 'he must an Islamic or something.'
Outside they were drawn into a pitch battle with rioting supporters. Chairs were flung, bottles of lager rained down on the them and they were assailed by a skinhead wearing burberry shorts, aiming kicks at them with his chubby legs.
THE HEAD OF FIFA
On arriving in Bethlehem, they were unsure where to find this Son of God.
As luck would have it, a cohort of FIFA officials were striding through the town. This cohort included the recently re-elected FIFA President, Herod, who was showing the head of the Trinidadian federation (on whose votes, Herod had secured another term in office) the surroundings.
The three wise men asked President Herod where they could find the Son of God.
'Son of God?' asked Herod.
One of the wise men whipped out his phone and showed Herod a video of the birth which had been put up on the internet by 101 Great Goals.
Herod confessed he was not aware of this but wished them much fortune in their endeavours. However, he was deeply disquieted by the news.
Any future Son of God was likely to be a formidable candidate in future FIFA elections.
After consulting with the national authorities, Herod decided to unleash tear gas in every home in the land in an effort to smoke out the baby.
This was unequivocally condemned by the Guardian and the Sunday Times later revealed after an investigation that Herod had ordered the tear-gassing but he was cleared of any wrongdoing by the FIFA ethics commission.
GIFTS
The three wise men arrived at the stable by which time a crowd had already congregated. The Huffington Post, which had replaced the now defunct New York Times as America's news organ of record, reported that the Son of God had been born in the stable largely thanks to the efforts of Ian Wright and Mark Lawrenson.
A group of fans were chanting 'One Jesus Christ, there's only one Jesus Christ, One Jesus Chriiiiiist, there's only Jesus Chriiist' outside the stable.
Outside the stable, Ian Wright was telling reporters that he didn't remember much of the birth, that it all happened so fast and that he just remembers Mark Lawrenson passing him the forseps (all credit to him) and he just finished it off.
The three wise men blagged their way past the stewards into the stable. They presented the baby with three important and impressive gifts, namely, the match programme from the Scotland-France group game signed by Scottish manager Duncan Ferguson, a pristine vuvuzela through which Jesus could made his voice heard by the watching masses on television, and a signing-on form with West Ham United FC, which ensured that he would get a chance to prove himself at Upton Park regardless of ability.
After they had finished meeting with the boy Jesus, an angel told them to give FIFA President Herod a wide berth on the way home.
