We are just a few short hours away from the most important Irish football match since that desperate 2009 night in Paris. On that occasion our luck famously deserted us and, folks, tonight we're taking no chances.
That is why we're enlisting the help of the big man in the sky Clarence Clemons to ensure absolutely nothing can go wrong. We are calling on you, the Irish people to get out those rosary beads and pray like you've never prayed before. Now if you're like us then you'll vaguely know the mechanics of the Rosary but spend your life sweating that you'll find yourself in a situation where you're called upon and have no actual clue how to say it.
Not to worry though, we're help to help.
A guide to saying the Rosary
The rosary is broken into four Mysteries - the Joyful, the Sorrowful, the Glorious and the Luminous - and each one is assigned to a specific day of the week.
'So what one are we meant to say today?' I hear you ask. I bring you great news friends. On Mondays we recite the Joyful Mystery!
Thank Christ we're not playing Wales on a Tuesday or else we'd be saying the Sorrowful Mystery and would surely be cursed. Anyhow, all mysteries have five decades (even though they're also called mysteries). The decades/mysteries of the Joyful Mystery are listed below.
The Joyful Mystery
First Mystery - The Annunciation
Martin O'Neill is visited by the angel Delaney and asked if he will manage of Ireland
Second Mystery - The Visitation
Martin visits Roy Keane who declares that he will serve at his right hand.
Third Mystery - The Nativity
Wes Hoolahan is born
Fourth Mystery - The Presentation
Wes presents the perfect pass on a plate for Robbie Brady to head past the hapless Wayne Hennessey
Fifth Mystery - The Finding In The Temple
Martin and Roy find Daryl Murphy in the Temple discussing the art of goalscoring with the elders Brady, Keane and Stapleton. He goes on to score a hat-trick that night.
Saying the Rosary
Step One- Recite the Apostles' Creed
Step Two - Say the Our Father, three Haily Marys and the Glory Be
Step Three - Announce the Mystery and say an Our Father
Step Four - Say 10 Haily Marys
Step Five - Say the Glory Be
Step Six - Repeat Steps 3-5 for each of the remaining mysteries
Step Seven - Finish with Hail Holy Queen
So there you have it. You now know how to say the Rosary and if your boss has inexplicably not given you the day off to prepare for tonight's game then at the very least you can now gather everyone in your office and do your small part in the hope for an Irish victory.
