Writing is easy, claimed Mark Twain, all we have to do is cross out the wrong words. Sadly, for this strange genre of literature, a cull of the 'wrong' words would lead a blank page.
The narratives of decline and redemption that football weaves better than any other sport can make writers and poets of us all, be it manifesting itself in books, articles, chants, songs or poems. We are all for devotion to a football club and its players yielding creativity, but things have now gone too far. Remember when the strangest aspect of a supporter base were the angry supporters on Fan TV outside the ground after a game?
Sadly, their status as Arsenal's most bizarre fans has been lost and replaced by the authors of fan fiction. We've trawled online and found a few examples. Virtually all of these are erotic, and as a result most of them are pure and utter filth.
Arsenal
The most incredible example we found is entitled 'Gunnersaurus and Me - A Lukas Podolski OS'. It is told from the perspective of Lukas Podolski after winning the FA Cup in 2014, and Podolski's excitement at the incipient World Cup is beguiled by an attraction to Claudia, the girl beneath the Gunnersaurus costume. Podolski is unaware that Gunnersaurus is, in fact a girl, until he is informed by #ITK Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain following some good-natured pushing in celebration at the cup win:
'Is that why you all were always so protective? I mean I've been roughhousing with the mascot for a long time,none of you ever said anything before?'
'Yeah, well you saw her, she bruises easily. She's only been here a year! We didn't really mind before but we bumped into her after a game and we saw how difficult her life is under there, so of course we're a bit protective', argued Kieran.
'You like her, don't you?', teased Alex.
It transpires he did like her, and the romantic story reached its crescendo in a beautiful moment near the end:
He turned around and came face to face with her, but she was already in full costume.
'Claudia, I'm going away with the national team soon for training. I won't be in London for a while, so if you're free for a date tomorrow, that would be ideal', he said hurriedly.
'What makes you think I'm not already taken?', she replied in a muffled voice, not taking off the head of Gunnersaurus.
'Oh. Well. That was worth a try, wasn't it?' The sudden drop of his heart to his stomach made him want to hurl, but he had to keep cool for another couple of minutes.
'I'm just kidding! Yeah sure, I'm free tomorrow. I'd love to go out with you'. He couldn't see her face, but the sound of her voice, muffled, emitted a smile.
It would look weird to an outsider, him smiling and blushing while talking to a mascot, but Lukas thought this was one of the sanest things he has done since joining Arsenal.
Another offering is this extremely explicit account of a night of passion from Mesut Ozil's point of view, of which this small segment is suitable for work:
My immediate reaction was to hold her close to me, her hips resting within my hands, while I deepened the kiss more and more with each second that passed. But soon enough and I was to break the kiss, looking deep into her eyes and biting my lip. “Oh damn baby, that’s good.
Here is another, this time on Koscielny:
Arsenal fanfiction. No words, just scarred for life. pic.twitter.com/gRFOwiU6fU
— evie (@thfcevie) May 4, 2016
Liverpool
Liverpool's massive following along with a host of dreamy ex-players means a google search of 'LFC fan fiction' yields 130,000 results. The top result is an explicit love affair between Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso:
Xabi’s head was resting back on his pillows. His eyes were clenched shut. He did as Stevie told him. He imagined the fingertips on his neck were his lover’s. Stevie’s voice in his ear helped him remember the way Stevie’s fingers felt on his skin. He could almost imagine the sweet burn as Stevie’s hand trailed down his neck and into his chest hair. Xabi squeezed his own nipple, the way Stevie would if he were there, and moaned softly.
The strangest centres around a love affair with Rickie Lambert. Yep, that Rickie Lambert
Ricky hoisted the lithe blonde up and slammed her against the back of one of the stalls. Seamlessly she wrapped her long, pop-sock clad legs around his waist and clamped down tightly.
It was broad daylight in a bustling Kirkby market. She couldn’t quite believe that a chance meeting with Ricky Lambert only ten minutes before had resulted in this, here, his roaming hands making light work of her button-down sheer shirt. Anybody could see them but he didn’t seem to care as he slipped his hands up her thigh and…
They must teach that down the beetroot factory.
Manchester United
The most popular United fantasy surrounds Luke Shaw ,which engages with the intrusion of the tabloid media:
There is also a whole site dedicated to Javier Hernandez, and an incredible lack of appreciation for Juan Mata.
See Also: Daniele De Rossi Declares His Total Admiration For His "All-Time Idol" Roy Keane
