As usual, there were some shocking decisions made in Stockholm last week. That judging panel had no flair or guile or invention. Alice Munroe can't write a sentence and Martin Karplus, Michael Levitt and Arieh Warshel have never contributed anything to science or never discovered anything worthwhile. Nothing. And listen up America, never mind Philip Roth, there were some much more glaring and more terrible omissions.
So, now that the Swedish Academy has discredited itself we have decided to step into the breach and issue our own Nobel Prizes, which we confidently predict will eclipse the annual Swedish farrago in terms of prestige before too long...
Nobel Prize for Economics
Daniel Levy
For wondrous financial deeds in the transfer market. He showed what it was possible to achieve financially with only a young Welsh winger and poker players iron resolve to play with. Pushed the boundaries of the discipline.
Nobel Prize for Chemistry
Luis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge
For the production of explosives and pyrotechnics in an environment which has proven so inhospitable to home strikers in the past two decades. Namely Anfield
Nobel Peace Prize
Brian O'Driscoll
For his remarkable achievement in healing wounds and mending fences in one of the world's most bitter and protracted intercultural disputes. The row between Jonny Sexton and Ronan O'Gara.*
*This one hasn't been handed out yet so the Swedish Academy may yet agree with this one. So if they do, fair dues
Nobel Prize for Literature
Harry Redknapp
For his talent for a well-worn anecdote, for objecting to being called a wheeler-dealer, and for adding to our enduring image of Shaun Teale's wife
Nobel Prize for Medicine
The Jamaican Sprinting Team Doctors
For their heroic and previously unsung efforts in manufacturing the greatest team of sprinters yet put together. But what really marks these men apart is their humility and they did not want any acclaim or notoriety for their achievements.
