Not just good at scoring goals against England, our Fantasy Football agony uncle Don Hutchinson brings us an advice column every week, where he answers all sorts of queries.
Remember you send your Fantasy Football queries and questions about life in general to [email protected].
Pencil me in for advice
I'm in such a hobble. I think they're on to me.
Recently I developed a terrible addiction. I can't stop stealing pens and pencils from various bookmakers. It started off small; when I'd be having a flutter I'd stick a pen in the back pocket and forget about it. But then it escalated quite quickly. Soon I found myself entering bookies purely for their stationary goods.
I wanted bigger thrills then. In my darkest hour I found myself in Argos, verbally harassing members of staff as I ran around the shop throwing all their pencils into my Rugrats schoolbag. Now I think the authorities are closing in on my stash. I don't know what to do? My bedroom is so full of them that I have to sleep in the hot press.
Also, should I buy Suarez this weekend?
Yours sincerely,
Henning.
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Dearest Henning,
That sounds like you're in a lot of trouble alright. Have you considered turning yourself in? I think it's best you own up and be a man about it. What you've doing is wrong and sickening if I'm honest. You might escape jail if you're lucky but the important thing is that you admit to what you've done and take your medicine.
And yes, if you can afford Suarez then I would go for him. Why? Because not a lot of people have the cash to buy him at the moment so should he do well then you'll be ahead of the pack.
The Don.
Dunking for defender
Dear Mr Hutchinson,
I come to you in dower states and with a question – do you dunk? I dunk. I dunk too much. I remember it as if it were yesterday, the day my friend said Hobnobs were great for dunking in tea.
I was a brazen youth at the time; without hesitation I tried dunking and it was glorious. Looking back on it, I wish I could take that day back. I wish I'd never dunked. Now I can't stop. I dunk everything; biscuits, ice-creams, vegetables, chicken ... you name it and I'm sure to have tipped it in my tea.
Please help me stop. My lowest ebb came last week when I bit if each end of a battered sausage and then sucked the tea through as if it was a straw.
With regard to Fantasy Football, do you know any really really cheap defenders I could buy?
Regards,
Jesper.
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Nice to hear from you Jesper,
Look it; as addictions go, this is far from the worst. At least you're hurting no one only yourself. To get out of this rut I think you need to cast your mind back to when you drank tea without dunking. Can you remember how great it was? Pure, unadulterated tea. Well why keep ruining its goodness by throwing stuff into it?
Embrace its natural excellence and you'll soon be on the road to recovery.
I've been looking at some bargain buys in defence myself. I like the look of Fulham over the next four or five games, and of course there are a couple of lads in the Southampton defence well worth having a look at.
Wish you well in your dunk-free future,
The Don.
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