Jimmy Hill used to talk about footballers who are a 'bit different.' He could have been talking about this man. You know it's better to be like him. For all his critics and all the misgivings, a large part of all of us just admires that strut.
1. Cut out needless running
Dimitar is great for eschewing any needless running. In fact, he is willing to forsake a certain amount of necessary running just so he doesn't fall into the trap of doing any needless running.
2. Teenage girl pout
Effect a bored, unimpressed teenage girl pose reminiscent of the actress Thora Birch back in the late 1990s.
3. Issue provocative quotes to whatever journalist you're speaking to
4. Put effort into being cool
I know trying too hard isn't being cool but if you're sophisticated you can conceal the effort. Berbatov, for instance, does not smoke.
5. Develop a hinterland
A hinterland is crucial. Very few footballers feel the need for one. Michael 'I hate films' Owen is the prince of footballers who don't bother with it.
Dimitar belongs more to the school of Eric Cantona and John Toshack and Pat Nevin - acting and poetry and music.
Here is his lovely sketch of Marlon Brando, with a impression tossed in for good measure.
6. Arrogance is fun
You can always pass it off as irony if people object.
7. If it's within your power to do so, move to a tax haven that is home purely to the rich and famous
Go to Monte Carlo and ask for the social welfare office.
8. Do your smiling on the inside
That's Berba's line and he's sticking to it
Of course I am enjoying it. It would be stupid if I was laughing all the time. I really enjoy myself. When we won the title I was in the locker room and so happy. I don't smile all the time but I smile inside. I am the happiest guy around, trust me. I don't like to show my emotions too much.
9. Don't change who you are for newspaper columnists
This is really quite funny from Tommy Conlon, comparing the attitudes Ji Sung Park and his more expensive comrade.
And aha, sez you again, Park is graft, Berb is craft; Park is artisan, Berb is artist; Park carries the piano, Berb plays it. To which we can only reply: he does in his hole. He'd be too lazy to lift the lid, so Park would have to do that too. His fingers would be too cold, so Park would have to blow on them. He'd sit on the stool but order Park to jump into the piano and play every note.
And if the audience were to throw bouquets on stage, Berbatov wouldn't bend his back to pick them up. No, he'd have Park doing that too. And if there were groupies at the stage door, he'd be ordering Park to do the necessary there as well. Truly, if the hoor were any lazier he'd collapse into a coma.
