There are certain things in this life that you can set your watch by.
-Denis Irwin's haircut.
-Marouane Fellaini's elbows catching an opponent in the mouth.
-English media's sabotaging of their team in the run-up to an International tournament.
However, this year it seemed that it was all going to change (in one respect, Irwin's hair is still absoltuely timeless and Fellaini leads all of Europe's top leagues in the elbow stats). England flew through the qualifiers as they normally do, but this time with the emergence of Dele Alli, Eric Dier, and Jamie Vardy among others, it seemed as though the expectations were high, but reasonable.
"This is a young exciting squad, and while winning the tournament is possible we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves."
That's the narrative we've heard all season, particularly from pundits and from Gary Lineker who used it as a repeated joke on MOTD that you can't hype up English players in a tournament year.
So it's different this time around? Roy is going to enjoy a nice trouble-free run-up with no attempt to have him belittled before the tournament event begins? Nah...
The Telegraph, one of the more respected football publications, published the following article:
It says it right there, the squad will not being announced until Thursday (they've since pushed it back until Monday), and yet, here's is a piece designed to point out how bad Roy Hodgson's selections are going to be and why it's going to be his fault when they get knocked out in the group stages.
So let's look at who the players are, the magical players who would have delivered a European Championship to England were it not for Roy Hodgson and his archaic ways...
Karl Darlow
With no other English keeper standing out given Jack Butland's injury, might it be worth Hodgson including Darlow, who is growing as a player and is one of only two Englishmen to save a Premier League penalty this season, along with Mark Bunn.
Seriously?
Tom Heaton has won the Championship with Burnley and proven himself to be a solid keeper, whereas Darlow is a kid who has little to no experience and looked visibly rattled when handed his Premier League debut.
Danny Simpson
Premier League winner Simpson has had a fantastic season. No frills but gets the job done, and it is no coincidence that Leicester concede every 140 minutes when Simpson plays, compared to every 47 minutes without him.
Leicester have had an outstanding season. Danny Simpson hasn't. He's been good, but when mistakes have been made they have more often than not been from Simpson. The idea of him playing right-back for England at the Euros is a non-runner.
Scott Dann
Makes tonnes of clearances and blocks, while there are few defenders better in the air than Dann. Has also chipped in with five goals, making him Crystal Palace's joint-highest scorer.
The moment we genuinely considered this was a joke. Crystal Palace have been absolutely shite since the turn of the year and Dann being their top scorer shows that they do not have a single functioning striker rather than being some impressive stat for Dann.
Mark Noble
Not far behind Drinkwater in terms of tackles made, with 94, or assists, with four, but Noble scores more goals, having hit seven this season. Can also take a decent penalty.
The only reasonable shout here. Mark Noble has had an outstanding year, he truly has, but he has never played international football before, and as good as he has been he wouldn't make the difference against the best midfields that Europe has to offer.
Marc Albrighton
Albrighton has had a phenomenal season but is barely recognised as one of the main players in Leicester's title tilt. In creating 11 clear-cut chances, he is the best English player when it comes to putting goals on a plate.
Had a good season, but honestly, Albrighton for England? Come on guys, even you know that doesn't make sense.
Jermain Defoe
Has barely been mentioned in the capacity of an England call-up but has 15 league goals this season - more than Odion Ighalo, Diego Costa and Alexis Sanchez. His conversion rate of 27.3 per cent is up there with the very best in the Premier League.
Has barely been mentioned in the capacity of an England call-up, because he has proven more than once that he cannot be relied upon for goals in an England shirt.
Danny Welbeck
Is awaiting the results of a scan on a potentially serious knee injury, but if he is fit he should go given his effect in front of goal despite such limited game time. In under 10 hours of Premier League action he has been directly involved in six goals - one every 96 minutes to be precise - which is more frequent than any other Englishman.
The results are in, he's out for three to four months, and even if he wasn't, is Welbeck going to score the goals to win you anything? No.
No Wayne Rooney
They also left England captain and all-time leading goalscorer Wayne Rooney out of the squad, because that's the fashionable thing to do. Come off it. England need Rooney.
Do they actually ever learn? Every single tournament goes the same way, by breezing the qualifiers and then right as optimism is at it's very peak and the fans are behind the team, the stories come out one by one undermining the manager and attacking the star players. The fans turn, and if the first group game isn't a convincing win then all Hell breaks loose and the players aren't welcome to return.
It's a joke, but honestly, more power to them. We'll continue to enjoy it from afar. It really is quite the show when it goes down, so it's time to grab the popcorn.
Keep an eye out for one of the team's brightest hopes to be "exposed" in a rag tabloid for standing beside someone smoking a cigarette in a night club.
England really, really should make it past the group stages considering the draw they have gotten, but if not, it's definitely going to be because Karl Darlow wasn't third choice keeper and Jermaine Defoe was given a chance to fly like the peacock he is.
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— Balls.ie (@ballsdotie) May 6, 2016
