(In some alternative universe, Ireland have already qualified for the World Cup. We've been accidentally emailed a press report from that universe examining the mood of the country in light of this good fortune.)
Ireland is set for a celebration tonight as they take on Kazakhstan already assured of qualification to the World Cup.
With the outbreak of hostilities in Spain following the secession of Catalonia from the country, FIFA were left with no option but to disqualify them from the tournament.
As the playoff draw between the various 2nd place sides has already been arranged, and with the French currently in an unseemly dispute with FIFA, it was decided that all teams sitting in 3rd and 4th place in their group be placed into a pot at an event in Bern, Switzerland, in order to determine who would take the Spaniard's place on the plane to Rio.
Impartial Observor
Cypriot journalist Emmetos Malonos was called upon by FIFA to draw names. To the delight of the country, Malonos drew out the name Ireland. The journalist has already received folk hero status in the country, appearing on the Late Late Show and having Christy Moore pen a song about him. Dublin's City Council has already said that the next bridge to be erected across the Liffey will be named after him and the next time he returns to Ireland will be to film an ad with Carlsberg.
FAI President John Delaney was in attendance at the event in Bern and jubilant when his country's name was pulled out. He hailed it as a vindication of everything he's done as President of the FAI and celebrated by having a mineral water.
Dunphy rejoices
RTE pundit Eamon Dunphy said that the world should rejoice as it will give Andy Reid, Wes Hoolahan and James McClean the chance to strut their stuff on the world stage. He then went into a long soliloquy about how Ireland deserved this stroke of good fortune because John Giles and Liam Brady were great players.
If this wasn't enough, Minister for Finance Michael Noonan announced a giveaway budget today with tax cuts and spending hikes and free medical cards for everyone over the age of 25. The only cloud on the horizon appears to be the country's promise to commit money to the international bailout of Germany after the German banks collapsed this week in spectacular fashion.
