With the World Cup only a matter of hours away at this point, we've realised that there are a number of you out there who will have no clue whats going on. Who's Hernandez? That little boy's shirt says Chicarito? Why does that friendly looking Pepe chap play for Portugal when he sounds so Brazilian? Why are Belgium dark horses? I've actually heard of a lot of those players.
Unwilling to sit in solitary confinement for the next month, not wanting to miss out on the fun of cheering on an adopted nation, we're putting together a rundown of the need-to-know facts about each group, to keep you bluffing your way through until July 13th.
There's no point messing about with the groups here. We'll start alphabetically, which, surprisingly, is how they'll chronologically play out, so here goes Group A.
Brazil
1. "If Neymar doesn't turn up they've got no chance"
Nevermind the nine Champions League winners in the squad, or the manager who won the tournament in 2002, if this 22-year old Barcelona forward doesn't perform they'll be going home early. Well, not really, they're hosting it after all.
2. "The Brazilians are always dodgy at the back"
It doesn't matter what they've done, or who did it. You can blurt that line out at any point they find themselves under pressure, or concede, and a number of people are bound to agree with you.
3. "I love the samba football"
Who cares if they line up with five at the back, or play two defensive midfielders, that yellow kit has a daffodil-tinted effect, imagine Joan Burton transforming into Kate Upton, now you're on the right track.
Croatia
1. "Thank God Luka Modric cut his hair"
The Real Madrid midfielder cut his hair following the side's Champion's League success, despite looking even more child-like, he now looks less androgynous.
2. "Why did Luka Modric cut his hair?"
Despite confirming his gender, his recent haircut has somehow also made him look even more like a small child.
3. "He doesn't even go here"
Strangely enough, Ivan Rakitic, one of their best players, was born and raised in Switzerland, only choosing to play for Croatia, his parents country, after already playing for his birth nation's U-17's, U-19's, and U21's.
Mexico
1. "Chicharito is some player"
The Manchester United and Mexico striker's real name, Javier Hernandez Balcazar, isn't important. His nickname, and the name that appears on his back, is Chicharito, meaning "little pea" in Spanish.
2. "What's the point in a tall Mexican goalie?"
Known for their diminutive size, the Mexicans are used to having smaller than average goalkeepers and defenders. Their 2010 goalie, Oscar Perez, was 5'7, but Guillermo Ochoa will start this time around, coming in at a gigantic 6' tall.
3. "They're our second team"
Wearing green, white and orange(gy-red), and known as El Tricolour, these perennial underdogs draw a lot of comparisons to Ireland, albeit possessing slightly less passion and flair.
Cameroon
1. "I'm surprised they even made it there"
The Cameroon squad went on strike this week over the bonus payments they were due to receive.
2. "Samuel Eto'o is like their Robbie Keane"
Both the captain and top goalscorer for their countries, Samuel Eto'o and Keane travel for hours to represent their countries, and like Keane for Ireland, Eto'o is the only chance Cameroon have of scoring.
3. "Why can't Alex Song be as cool as Rigobert?"
Rigobert Song was a king among footballers. Cameroon's record appearance holder, a favourite of early noughties Premier League fans, and bleached-hair enthusiast, he is also the cousin of Barcelona's Alex Song, although he calls Rigobert his uncle.
Picture credit: SPORTSFILE
