The Tipperary Star exhibited the golden media rule of knowing your audience this week, with a headline that read "Michael Lowry TD Found Not Guilty On Some Counts At Central Criminal Court".
This is something that BBC Sport feel they have had a grip on since London Olympics, stooping as they have to fervent, one-eyed patriotism in the belief that this is the kind of stuff people want.
This column has previously spoken of the extremely delicate pessimism the Beeb talked themselves into ahead of England's opener against Tunisia; a state of mind so fragile that it might soon erupt into a wild, implacable optimism that would compel the BBC to hand Gary Lineker a couple of St George's Flags to twirl in studio or put John Inverdale's face on the side of a bus.
As we predicted, this tailored gloom dissolved upon contact with Panama, and now, on the eve of England's First Proper Game, things are running wild. The sentiment that second in the group would be success hasn't really changed, but the logic by which that has been reached has.
Whereas there was a meek acceptance before the tournament that second spot should be the realistic limit of England's ambitions, now it is being seen as a choice: that England can somehow merely decide to win or lose against Belgium so as to plot the safest route to the semi-finals.
Her Majesty's Keown appeared alongside Gabby Logan to preview tomorrow's game, blathering on in his own, profoundly earnest way about how England's squad is, in fact, better than Belgium's before adding that "we decide whether we top the group or not", ultimately deciding that it was best to go and try to win it. Gabby Logan assured Keown that Germany had been knocked out, so England no longer had to worry about them.
'Twas the surprising exit of Germany that the BBC really made hay with, using it as a way of further talking up England's chances.
It is at this point that this column must finally turn to Jonathan Pearce.
Pearce is, in many ways, a deeply preposterous man. His football commentary is occasionally on the money (see his voiceover work on Tony Kroos' goal against Sweden) and he is, as far as this column is aware, the only Match of the Day commentator to appear on The Sopranos.
A lot of the time, however, he is overwrought to the point of absurdity, ruminating on games as if delicately holding the unearthed skull of Kenneth Wolstenholme in an open palm, lazily pondering the meaning of it all.
Pearce is a man of infinite zest, and comes into his own during international football where there is a geopolitical history at stake and the decline and fall of empires can be neatly captured in thundering, sweeping statements.
Pearce began Germany's do-or-die clash with South Korea with a potted history lesson.
The last 80 years of German history have had its terrors: war, recriminations, humiliations, rebirth, Cold War, Berlin Wall built, Berlin Wall crumbled and through it all, you know, Germans have had one constant in their lives: the knowledge that their football team would make the last eight of the World Cup. That national comfort blanket could be shredded right here.
All very well, but how to square this eloquent, historically-conscious, considered (and presumably prepared) opener with his unrelenting hyperbole, that the defeat to South Korea would be a "national shame?"
He did drop in a nice line "Yesterday's heroes are now yesterday's men" before remembering his audience, bellowing "They won't be beating England on penalties now!"
Back in studio, Alan Shearer decided not to luxuriate in Germany's failure, clinically focusing on their miserable level of performance across all of their group games. Lineker, however, couldn't quite resist the urge, and signed off in fantastically smug fashion. He literally waved goodbye, missing nothing but a "Don't mention the VAR" pun.
That's it from us on the day that VAR sent Germany home. Mein Gott! Auf Wiedersehen!
Done pic.twitter.com/Bw4KzOCM2l
— Shuayb (@shuaybchowdhury) June 27, 2018
This latest boost for England's World Cup hopes wasn't exclusive to the Beeb, with Ian Wright reacting to the German result by saying "that's a quarter-final opponent out of the way".
The England hype will reach fever pitch by tomorrow lunchtime, and the BBC will only continue to feed it, as they evidently feel is their job. England are an exciting team but are deeply unproven, having played arguably the two weakest teams in the competition. How useful the inflating of expectation is for everyone involved is dubious.
We have never had that trouble in Ireland. Prior to the Euro 2012 opener with Croatia, Bill O'Herlihy memorably laughed at a pre-game poll in which 80% of viewers reckoned we would win, with us having talked ourselves into a de facto playoff with the Italians for a place in the last eight.
He apologised but of course, he was right.
Perhaps that is what true public service broadcasting is: not knowing your audience, but knowing them better than they know themselves.
Stray Observations
- David Luiz Being Written Off Through The Medium Of The Simpsons Dept: Keith Andrews tonight called him "Krusty The Clown".
- Jim Beglin has peppered his commentary with some dubious puns ("The Polish lack polish") but he wasn't in the mood to bite when Stephen Alkin dangled his pre-game gag in front of him. Explaining that referee Mark Geiger is a Maths teacher, Alkin wondered "does this make him a Geiger Counter?". Beglin refused to respond, a painfully awkward three-second silence lingered, before Alkin moved it swiftly on. "...We shall see".
- Also, what was Alkin on about Germany hunting for an equaliser when they were 2-0 down?
- Someday, this column will write the minute-by-minute report on the game that would exist under Ronnie Whelan's "if he had only just done this other thing..." style of co-commentary.
Tweets of the Day
What a win but at this stage they need to look at splitting Korea in two.
— Oisin Langan (@oisinlangan) June 27, 2018
Sweden qualifying whilst Ibra's at home pretending he's a lion
— Harry (@HarryCH97) June 27, 2018
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
— SportsCenter Brasil (@SportsCenterBR) June 27, 2018
