Every week on Balls.ie we rank the overreaction of the media to the plight of teams populating the Premier League.
After two games, two draws and no goals for Arsenal they move to the top of the crisis table.
They've had forty shots on goal but only five on target. You've got to wonder if their misfiring flops are ever going to score this season. With four points dropped they're already out of the title race and two points behind West Brom for Arsene Wenger's beloved Champions League place. Is it time for Arsenal to concentrate on the cups? They could get through each round of the League Cup by drawing 0-0 and winning on penalties.
Who am I kidding? It's wildly optimistic to expect that they would even score in a penalty shootout. I fear for Arsenal, I really do.
Spurs move up one place to second in the crisis table as they sell their best player Luka Modric to Real Madrid. They've also agreed a partnership with Real Madrid which can only mean that Gareth Bale is not long for North London and that Andre Villas-Boas will probably have access to Jose Mourinho's stylist. After a 1-1 draw with West Brom and only one point from two games, we are entering grim times in North London.
If a team could be relegated on media opinion alone within the first two weeks then Aston Villa would probably be playing at Elland Road and Ewood Park in the coming weeks. A 3-1 loss to crisis free Everton put them bottom of the Premier League table. Shay Given is past it and lets face it, did he ever even have it? They urgently need to do some transfer business before the window slams shut cutting them adrift at the bottom of the league.
So unlucky for Liverpool. They were just a non-misplaced Martin Skrtel backpass away from rocketing up into the crisis free section of the table. Brendan Rodgers would've been a genius who revolutionised the club but instead his philosophy cost Liverpool a victory over the champions. It was his fault that Skrtel made that pass, he even admitted it himself. If you're winning 2-1 against Man City with 10 minutes left, you're an idiot if you don't lump in down the line and give possession back to Carlos Tevez and Co.
A 2-2 draw with crisis club Liverpool puts Man City at 5th in the table. They urgently need to splash the cash with only a measly 12m having been spent so far this window and that was on major flop Jack Rodwell who has already gifted two goals to opposition teams.
Are the oil rich owners tightening the purse strings as they feel the ever burgeoning pressure from solar powered cars and people cycling to work? It's the only explanation.
Just a place below Man City on the table is Man Utd, who lost the over-weight, not-as-good-as-Robin-van-Persie, Wayne Rooney for at least 4 weeks to a large gash in his thigh on Saturday. I'm sure I was not the only one to expect barbecue sauce to be squirting from the cut instead of blood.
Rumours abound that Rooney is available for 50m as Fergie looks set to rely on Man Utd goal scoring legend Robin van Persie. PSG, Barcelona and Real Madrid have already spurned the chance to purchase Rooney. It's time Utd cut their losses and loaned him out to a Championship club, because who would want someone that scored only 27 goals last season?
West Ham, Norwich and QPR are at 7th, 8th and 9th respectively in the table.
West Ham slump into crisis just like Big Sam slumped into his Recaro seat on Saturday after a 3-0 loss to Champions League bound Swansea. It could be a case of first season syndrome for West Ham.
Norwich and QPR played out a 1-1 draw on Saturday easing them down the crisis table. With the transfer window closing on Friday, QPR will no doubt try to throw cash at anybody willing to give them a player with a modicum of Premier League experience. I'm fully expecting them to pay 8m for Florent Malouda this week.
Southampton, Reading, Wigan and Sunderland. Was that a meh? I think I heard the internet give a a large collective 'meh' to that group. Like their crisis level analogy of global warming, the threat to these clubs is always lingering in the background, it's just that nobody seems to care very much.
At the crisis free end of the table, everybody is marveling at the shoestring budget job being done by David Moyes, everybody has remembered that Marouane Fellaini is a really good player and everybody knows that Everton are already dead certs for the Champions League.
