Hello and welcome to the inaugural Balls.ie Emerald Exiles Awards, a celebration of those few Irish footballers who've left their homeland behind in search of glories in far flung lands. We're talking Hong Kong as opposed to Hull City, not Leicester but Los Angeles and Nicosia before Nottingham.
2013 has seen Ireland's footballing diaspora score countless goals on the pitch and hit all the right notes off it. There's been championship wins, near misses, selfies and tantrums too.
Allow me to assume the Des Cahill/Darragh Maloney mantle for the next few minutes, as we guide you through the winners and honourable mentions in our altogether celebratory end of year awards list.
The 'Exile Who Looks A Bit Like Another Famous Sportsperson' Award
Not one of the more hotly contested awards in 2013, with just one standout nomination. Inundated with tweets from eagle eyed Wimbledon viewers during the tournament, It seems the APOEL Nicosia striker Cillian Sheridan's doppelganger was causing a bit of a stir in SW19. The resemblance with Argie racketman Juan Martin Del Potro is uncanny.
I just don't see it with me and Del Potro.... pic.twitter.com/4ymb4t1vLd
— Cillian Sheridan (@CillianSheridan) July 5, 2013
“Every time he’d play and one of the major tournaments was on, I’d get loads of people tweeting saying I look like him,” Sheridan told The Emerald Exiles. “I was just at home one night, bored and just done it. It was good how well it turned out. I was surprised. I think I did about ten different photos, trying to get the facial expression right.”
The 'Give It A Lash Jack' Award for Outstanding Contribution to Music
A tight decision sees Robbie Keane's Summer of 69 karaoke efforts edged out by the slightly more impressive feat of GIF Sundsvall midfielder Kevin Walker winning Sweden's version of Pop Idol.
Keane's music credentials have no doubt been boosted since it emerged he's Morrissey's Dad's second cousin's ex-girlfriend's neighbour, but Walker, whose father Pat hails from Carlow, crooned his way to a Universal Music recording contract and into the hearts of the female population of Sweden while he was at it.
When he wasn't recording, rehearsing or performing, he was spearheading GIF Sunsvall's promotion charge, captaining the side and scoring three goals late in the season as second tier GIF fell at the last hurdle.
Still, fair play.
The 'Unfortunate Resemblance to a Minor Sitcom Character' Haircut Award
Darren O'Dea who started the year at Toronto FC and ended it with Ukrainian Premier League up-and-comers Metalurh Donetsk takes home this dubious honour.
Making his debut for Metalurh within days of arriving in the country, O'Dea had yet to assimilate to his new surroundings. And by assimilate, we mean find the barbers. So, being the man he most definitely is, he took matters into his own hands. Mrs O'Dea was not amused, much.
Is it just us or does Darren O'Dea bear more than a passing resemblance to 'Surly Youth' of Father Ted fame? pic.twitter.com/23VHDIjrnw
— The Emerald Exiles (@EmeraldExiles) July 29, 2013
The 'Best Parody of a Premier League club replica shirt launch by an Icelandic second tier club' Award
This is, probably, the most niche award category at this year's awards. Dubliner Steven Beattie, formerly an MLS draft for Toronto FC, was part of the UMF Tindastoll squad that parodied the launch of Chelsea's home strip last May, by dunking pots of white paint over their heads whilst looking moody and determined.
Very much a case of painting the tiny, coastal fishing town white for Beattie and co. The man from Skerries can accept the accolade of his team's behalf.
The 'Selfie of the Year' Award
Selfie's are cool. Jose Mourinho does them. So do Barack Obama and that Danish Prime Minister lady too. And so too our favourite Exiles. Kevin and Robert Walker's Twitter accounts are selfie havens. The Republic of Ireland women internationals abroad, in Germany, Sweden and Norway are also regular exponents of the form.
But this prize is awarded largely for the very unique nature of the picture itself. LA Galaxy striker and Republic of Ireland record goalscoring captain Robbie Keane went in for surgery on his achilles in November.
Not traditional selfies in the Snapchat/Instagram/duckface sense, this graphic insight into the surgery as it happened had Irish media purring. If only to realise that Robbie Keane had an official Facebook account.
Surgery was successful. Thank you all for your lovely messages.. He's recovering well. Cx pic.twitter.com/d7vH20hsdh
— Claudine Keane (@ClaudineKeane1) November 27, 2013
How novel.
The 'One Man's Gravy Is Another Man's Poison' Award
He's always one to divide opinion, Aiden McGeady. It's been almost ten years since his senior debut but Irish fans have yet to determine whether he's a genuine class talent just waiting to flourish or a consistently inconsistent infuriant who'll never amount to a fraction of his talent or beat the first man with a cross.
Even Martin O'Neill, the man who first blooded McGeady at Celtic, admits he's a “cantankerous git.” But while universal affection in this part of the world isn't forthcoming any time soon, boy, do they love him in Russia.
Spartak Moscow fans showed their appreciation for the out-going Aiden McGeady during their win today. #nicetouch pic.twitter.com/XQgFKkM5oh
— The Emerald Exiles (@EmeraldExiles) December 1, 2013
After living up to that contrary reputation by getting suspended by Spartak Moscow boss Valeri Karpin in November, supporters unfurled this banner in anticipation of his expected departure. #nicetouch
The 'I Can't Believe He's One of Ireland's Representatives In The Champions League' Award
Technically, the 80% of the Sligo Rovers squad that played Molde in the round one preliminaries this year were Irish players in Europe's Premier Club Competition© but beyond that stage, only Anthony Stokes, Cillian Sheridan (very briefly) and Liam Lawrence flew the flag for Irish involvement.
Gone are the days of Irwin, Keane, Duff and O'Shea steadily keeping afloat our numbers. Lawrence is a standout case. Last seen flitting between Portsmouth and Cardiff City, his twilight Champions League flirtation with a decent PAOK side proves you can achieve anything. With a good agent.
The 'You Would Love Him When He's Angry' Award
Sean McDermott, you see, is as polite and mild mannered a chap you're likely to come across. The same couldn't be said for Rosenborg striker Nicki Billie Nielsen. The Republic of Ireland Under 21 goalkeeper was playing for Sandnes Ulf in Norway's Tippeligaen when he incurred the wrath of Nielsen.
After a late coming together, so enraged was Nielsen, he ripped his shirt off with a gusto and aggression Hulk (the green one, as opposed to the Brazilian one) would be proud of.
He was sent off. And McDermott helped minnows Sandnes to a 2-1 win over the giants. Win!
Goal of the Year Award
This free-kick from Kevin Walker (17secs in) is special, and takes some beating from his compatriots in 2013. It flew in.
Honourable Mentions
Despite a season interrupted by injury, Robbie Keane netted 17 times for LA Galaxy and a further eight (8) for Ireland his year. Woof indeed. He doesn't often do the spectacular, and a bunch of them were penalties but you can't knock the guy. Greying hair and a failing body ain't stopping this Keane.
Picture the scene. It's the second leg of the Norwegian Toppserien relegation playoff. They're into the second half and it's 2-2 on aggregate. Amazon Grimstad need a goal. Tense stuff. Then, Republic of Ireland women's senior team striker Shannon Smyth pops up and curls in a free kick from 20 yards.
“On Friday, we practiced free kicks. A teammate, my roommate too, would usually take the majority of them but I was really feeling it this week,” she said. “I had one in the first half and the keeper made a really good save. I thought if I have another of those, it’s going in.
“It’s a little indescribable. I couldn’t even tell it went in, my teammates just starting celebrating and I started tearing around the field!”
Player of the Year
There's several candidates for this one, from men's and women's football, and youth levels. Some of our exports beyond the British Isles are whisper it, successful. Robbie Keane continues to score at will for LA Galaxy, James O'Connor won the USL Pro league with Orlando City in 2013 and Patrick Kohlmann is a mainstay for a Union Berlin side pushing for promotion to the Bundesliga.
Diane Caldwell reached the Norwegian cup final, Shannon Smyth led her young Amazon Grimstad side to safety and a trio of Irish internationals helped Eskilstuna United to promotion to Sweden's Damallsvenskan.
Elsewhere, Brian Shelley has taken on a coaching role at top New Zealand side Waitakere United, Darren O'Dea has struck out to Eastern Europe and Cillian Sheridan is finding his feet in Cyprus.
But come on, did any of those win Pop Idol in 2013? Sweeping the board, like Lionel Messi, Adele or Downton Abbey
Kevin Walker; we salute you.
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