Another Premier League weekend in the books, another weekend closer to our impending doom. In a week of climate strikes and ravaged wetlands, at least we had football, right?
Here are our alternative match ratings for the weekend that was, because sometimes, numbers can't tell the full story.
N'golo Kante
It's a testimony to just how imperative Ngolo Kante is to Frank Lampard's Chelsea™ that when he's on the field, the Blues look like a competent outfit. The Frenchman was head and shoulders above everyone else on the pitch, despite his 5' 6" size and the fact that his Chelsea side lost.
One thing that Kante brings is energy, reserves of which could power Ireland for decades. You almost need to soundtrack him with a song about running. Flock of Seagulls 'I Ran'? Got it. Bruce Springsteen's classic 'Born To Run'? You betcha. The Pharcyde's 'Runnin'? Oh god, yeah.
Rating - 100 Miles And Running - NWA
Phil Jones
It's amazing how a player, their player rating and the match rating can all be encapsulated by one name. Phil Jones didn't play in Manchester United's 0-2 loss away to West Ham, but he was still very much on the tip of everyone's tongue, including Jose Mourinho's.
As for United, they looked devoid of any hope as they squandered chances whilst looking susceptible defensively. The team as a whole deserve a rating of Phil Jones for their performance.
Rating - Phil Jones
Matteo Guendouzi
This was not the Arsenal way. Not since Henry in his pomp has anyone looked to North London to see a rousing Arsenal performance that snatches victory from the jaws of defeat, but that's exactly what happened against Aston Villa. 2-1 down and down to 10 men for the majority of the match, Arsenal fans would've been forgiven if they decided to tip on home at half-time.
But, late goals from Callum Chambers and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang gave Arsenal the win. However, the Gunners would have been nothing without Matteo Guendouzi, with the Frenchman at the heart of all that was good for Unai Emery's side. He may have won 'Scoundrel of the Week' last week, but he recovered expertly.
Rating - Rebound of the Week
The Hornet Redemption
For the likes of Watford, getting to an FA Cup Final marks a successful season regardless of what's gone before. The club had never won a major honour, and had only ever reached the biggest day in English domestic football once before. So when Man City humbled the Hornets 6-0 at Wembley in May, there was some shock. However, City had just completed a domestic treble and had cemented themselves as one of the greatest club sides England had ever seen.
So, there was a bit more hope when Watford faced off against the Citizens at the Etihad. Sure, Watford still haven't gotten a win in the Premier League this season. Furthermore, their manager in May, Javi Gracia, has been replaced by Quique Sanchez Flores. but there was more scope for optimism. City lost to Norwich last week, whereas Watford came from two goals down to salvage a draw against Arsenal. The stage was set for redemption.
Then Manchester City scored eight without reply. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Rating - The Ghost of FA Cup Finals Past
Crystal Palace 1-1 Wolves
Crystal Palace thought they had it won. 1-0 up in injury time with their opponents down to 10 men, they should have had it won. then Diogo Jota arrived. The Portuguese forward got on the end of an Adama Traore cross to send the away end into rapture. Having lost their previous three matches, another loss would have seen Nuno Espirito Santo's seat get a little hotter. However, this result should act as a catalyst for recovery.
Rating - O Caráter
Fabian Schär
Why does Fabian Schär hate Ireland? First, he scores for Switzerland against us in the AVIVA, inducing panic for some and belief in others for the final 15 minutes of the game. Then, playing against Brighton, he saved a certain goal with an acrobatic goal-line clearance. Usually, such a feat would be impressive. However, Schär's clearance meant that we have to wait another week for Aaron Connolly to score his first Premier League goal for Brighton.
Fabian, do you not understand that we haven't had much to cheer about? This young lad represents so much more than quick feet, pace to burn and beautiful hair. Please, Fabian, give it a rest.
Rating - Black and Tan
Ireland's Team 2 - 0 Liverpool's Team
Chris Wilder's Sheffield United side are hard to gauge. They don't strike you as a particularly fashionable outfit, yet play some of the most interesting football in the Premier League. They seem like prime candidates for immediate relegation, yet can go away to the likes of Chelsea and Everton and get results. Their win against Everton was the perfect encapsulation of this confusion. They only had two shots, yet they were good value for their win.
The Blades are like Oli McBurnie's beard. They're unmistakably fashionable, despite at a glance looking hideous.
Rating - Oli McBurnie's beard
Mauricio Pochettino
How many times, Mauricio?
A feature of this series has seen repeated attempts to allow Mauricio Pochettino to see the light. The light, in this case, is Troy Parrott. Pochettino has consistently overlooked the future Ballon D'Or winner in favour of putting the likes of Oliver Skipp(?) and Eric Dier(?) on the bench ahead of him.
Once again, the Argentine manager got his comeuppance. Despite taking the lead through Harry Kane, Tottenham ended up losing 2-1, with Ricardo Perreira and Ireland's James Maddison scoring the goals. This will all stop if you just play Troy, Poch.
Rating - Justified
Bournemouth
If there's one suggestion we'd make to Eddie Howe's Bournemouth side, despite their excellent start to the season, is the sheer number of Wilsons they have at their disposal. Sure, Callum and Harry Wilson both got on the scoresheet in the Cherries 3-1 win away to Southampton. But wouldn't it look even better if Nathan Ake's surname was also Wilson? And what about the likes of Sergio Rico and Dominic Solanke? Surely their play would suit the Wilson family name.
Rating - Wilson
Two Early Chris Wood Goals
If Chris Wood manages to notch two first-half goals against you, you might as well go home. Norwich City went from defeating the reigning champions to succumbing to New Zealand's premier footballing talent.
There really isn't much to say about Burnley beating Norwich 2-0, so we're not going to try.
Rating - We apologise
