The practise of getting lads between the ages of 10-12 to play full-pitch eleven-a-side may have been both crazy and wholly damaging to Irish football but is sure produced some interesting characters.
If you don't recognise any of these guys, that means you were one of them....
The central defender who is about two foot taller than everyone else
Playing 11-a-side matches at the age of eleven, as many of a certain age did in this country, threw up a number of interesting anomalies.
One of these was that the overgrown lad who was stationed at the centre of the defence (thanks to a mixture of his prodigious height and the typical U12 football manager's innate conservatism) would usually double as the team's main goal threat for the duration of the season.
This is how it would go down.
He would burst onto the ball 40 yards out from goal. Perceptively, he would notice that the goalkeeper was on his line, but was about 2ft tall.
Emboldened by the sight of 4ft of space between the goalie's head and the crossbar, he would have a pop. As often as not, it would go in. He would then jog the twenty yards back to his normal berth at the heart of the defence, after taking the plaudits from his (much smaller) colleagues.
These guys were the stars of u12 football. When their natural height advantage diminished as the years wore on ,their inability to dominate games would frustrate them. They would end up drifting away from this football lark.
The shit lad who gets his parents to complain to the manager about not starting
By dint of sheer lack of talent, this lad secures an almost permanent position on the substitute bench - usually a metaphorical construct at this level of football, there were no benches.
He stands there shivering on the line week in week out, eliciting sympathy from the more soft-hearted among the other players' mothers.
This sympathy vanishes when he gets his parents involved, complaining to the manager about why their son is not getting on/coming home crying.
Thereafter, he will get onto the pitch for at least 15 minutes, regardless of the situation his team find themselves in. No matter how perilous their position, come squeaky bum time, this lad will get a chance to influence the game.
The Goalie who feels the urge to be a goalie but is really too small for the full-sized goals
The man most responsible for the opposing centre-half's improbable/very probable goalscoring exploits.
He dreams of making a series of spectacular saves from point blank range, throwing himself across goal turning the centre-forward's shots around the post. Then he would spring back to his feet, squirt some water from a Lucozade bottle into his mouth, toss it nonchalantly back into the goalmouth and then gesture theatrically to his defenders about why they were burdening him with all this work.
That was the dream.
The reality involved trying and failing to deal with a lot of high balls rained in on him from all angles. He may, by virtue of his enthusiasm, grow into a fine keeper one day. But he is simply too small for now.
The manager's son
A much maligned figure in popular culture.
In truth, manager's sons span the entire spectrum in terms of actual ability. However, it is true to say that dips in form are often overlooked and no matter the level of upheaval within the squad, he has an ability to find his way into the team.
Contrary to popular cliche , the manager, while loath to drop him, is on his case for most of the match.
The wayward genius
The most gifted fella at this level was usually the lad with the earring who unfurled a cigarette in the car park after the game and who was liable to not bother turning up for the biggest game of the season for no reason. He was invariably also shite at school.
The manager would always have to go out of his way to ensure that this guy turned up for matches - going to extraordinary lengths to ensure he had a lift for a game, negotiating with his beleaguered mother over a recent grounding, bailing him out of a cell in the garda station if necessary.
This lad usually showed his low opinion of his teammates' abilities by never passing the ball to them.
The full-back who thought he was able to take throw-ins but then it transpired he wasn't
Those of us who entered the world of eleven-a-side football sure in the knowledge that we knew how to throw the ball correctly were in for a very rude awakening. Foul throws were very rare occurrences in the Premier League. They were proverbial collectors items.
In fact, in the early days of eleven-a-side football, the number of foul throws usually exceeded the number of legal ones. Indeed, it was one of the most common ways of surrendering possession at U12 level. By the second half, the referee, grudgingly recognising a farce when he saw one, would relax the rules a little bit.
The lad who didn't like football
Is forced to attend by his conservative parents who are worried about his overtly quirky and idiosyncratic range of interests. These do not conform to those of the traditional 8-12 year old boy.
The manager will usually indulge the parents' desire reasoning that there is plenty of room on the bench and there is no skin of his nose. His desire not to start this kid is almost as powerful as this kid's desire not to start.
Going through the motions near the end of the game, the manager may make a cursory effort to see if this kid wants to get on for the last few minutes.
When the kid demurs, the manager will not pour his heart into trying to get him to change his mind.
The kid will spend his time lounging around near the dugout, oblivious to everything that is happening on the pitch. Will spend his time, quite literally, picking daisies.
See also: The Hurling Snob And 24 Other Irish Sports Fans
