The career, as it were, of a 5-A-Side journeyman is as unpredictable as it is uninspiring.
We bounce from pitch to pitch, filling in the numbers and mixing the sublime with the ridiculous with a lack of consistency that has us heading home thinking we could have made it as a player one week, and then genuinely worrying if your friends are talking about how shit you the next.
The age range in which we can play is far greater than that of an actual footballer, mainly because the standard never gets high enough to drop to a level where it's not fun to play anymore. You'll see kids as young as eight or nine renting a pitch next to a group of 40-somethings struggling to breathe and stretching the SportsDirect bibs to their absolute limit.
But one thing that will impact the career of every 5-A-Side hero, is injury.
You'll rarely participate in a game where someone hasn't got some sort of limp or heavy strapping going on, as we accept the treachery that comes with our desire to kick a ball around a caged pitch until a transition year student tells us to move on.
If you're an experienced player, you will recognise and likely recall incidents where these injuries occurred, and if you're only starting out your journey or don't play regularly then consider this a warning.
These seven excruciating injuries are something every player can expect to encounter at one stage or another.
The Rolled Ankle
"It's gone" you mutter as you limp off the pitch. You lost your balance for a split-second and your planting foot decided to pack it in. That's two weeks off and then anywhere from two to ten weeks until you do it again.
Easily the most common injury, some, the author of this article included, have even mastered the ability to roll one or both ankles and walk it off within five to ten minutes.
The Thumb-Breaker
This one may be difficult to explain, but if you ever dribbled a basketball and had it bounce up quicker than you expected to strike you on the top of your thumb, then you will know the monumental pain that can also occur on the 5-A-Side pitch.
A big reason why some sneaky lads try to avoid going in goal, catching the ball on the top of your thumb basically ends any hopes you had of having a functioning hand for the next two or three days. Writing in school? Nope. Tying at work? One-handed at a push. And you're hand feels really weird for a while too.
The Studs
The ball breaks, it's a 50/50, you and the lad with brand new mouldies and studs with out-of-the-box sharpness go in for the ball. You nick it away, but your win comes with a price as he clamps down and you curse the fact that it's not mandatory to wear astros.
From broken toes to nasty scrapes, getting the studs is something that happens pretty much every game.
The "Bad One"
Without a doubt the most somber moments in every 5-A-Side regular's time on the pitch will have been those instances when everyone realises that someone is badly hurt.
It's usually a yelp or a scream that identifies the situation, and mostly it's a knee or an akle, but the game quickly comes to a halt to assess the damage. Typically, the other person involved in the incident becomes greatly concerned, as he feels responsible for (hopefully unintentionally) causing the damage, while the bloke writhing in anguish can barely hear the apologies due to being pre-occupied with all the pain flowing into his brain.
Take a moment to consider just how shitty everyone present must have felt when this infamous example happened:
The Shot To The Manhood
On a lighter note, one injury that is likely to evoke laughs and widespread schadenfreude is someone taking a swift shot to the bollocks.
There are, of course, occasions where the blow is dealt with such force that it emits a sound similar to a football being punctured, which is the cue for each man present to wince and give their own package a reassuring pat.
The Cage Crash
There can be two main causes of a player being sent head, arm, shoulder, or legs-first into the cage.
a) He has overcommitted to something and comically hurled himself into a metal mesh of misery.
b) He has been, either mistakenly or maliciously, been pushed into the cage by another player.
In the event of scenario a; Depending on the severity of the injury sustained this can provide the type of comic relief that makes 5-A-Side football so special.
But in the event of scenario b; Regardless of the injury, if you are the type of player that doesn't consider the wellbeing of other players then you would be doing everyone a favour by staying at home. Don't be a dickhead at 5-A-Side. I regularly will pull out of a challenge if I think I'm going to hurt someone, as 90% of the time nobody has any idea what the score in the match was, so why does it matter if you lose a 50/50?
The Facial
It is inevitable.
The only thing you can hope for is that it happens on a warm, or at least mild, day, as if you catch a blast to the kisser on a cold winter evening, there are few moments that can make you genuinely debate whether or not you want to carry on living the way those first few seconds after you take a half-volley to the gob can do.
What makes it worse are the chuckles from your opponents and teammates alike as they become audible once the ringing dies down, but it's all in good spirit because everyone has been there before.
That's your lot, stay safe out there.
Photo credit: SPORTSFILE
