For many Irish men between the ages of 17 and, well, 60 if the group of ballers that limp off the pitch gasping for air before my weekly match on a Monday are anything to go by, the regular 5-a-side football is one of the highlights of the week.
It doesn't matter if there's a live match on (within reason), or if it's lashing rain, you'll still get the numbers for a kickabout in the local leisure centre or whatever.
Everybody loves it, otherwise they wouldn't turn up week after week, but there will always be those moments when some players seem to forget that it's a social game between friends and 'friends of friends'.
There will always be those moments where the red mist descends, and it always seems to boil down to a number of factors. Here are the most common reasons that a fight will break out in your typical Irish 5-a-side.
Nearly every time there is a slide tackle.
There's sort of an unspoken agreement at most 5-a-side football games that you don't slide tackle. It's mainly because doing so would rip your legs apart on the artificial turf, so when someone bypasses that fear of tearing your skin to cut someone down... There's usually bad intentions.
If someone is wearing tracksuit bottoms, then they get a pass because they've likely worn them specifically for that purpose, but if not, and you've lunged in, you can expect questions to be asked when you get back up.
The personality mismatch.
Putting the guy who values nutmegs above goals and assists against the angry bastard in GAA shorts is a recipe for disaster.
Most of us, when made to look an eejit on the 5-a-side pitch usually praise the skill that rinsed us, and laugh it off because it's not like the match is being shown to a live audience... But there are some folk who take it as a disrespect to them and their family.
Fool the angry bastard once, shame on him, fool him twice... You'll have a face full of those little rubber black things after he sends you crashing to the astroturf.
Know the people you invite for a kickabout.. Some people use it as an outlet for their frustration at having not made it as a player or hating their current job.
Misuse of the cage.
The cage that surrounds a 5-a-side pitch is there to keep the ball in play. While often it is used to get past an opponent by kicking it off the wall and running around the other side, and while that will infuriate many, it's not what starts fights.
No, instead using the cage to pin your opponent into a corner while you kick the ever-living shite out of him, or simply by body-checking someone into the cage, is what starts the vast majority of scraps at 5-a-sides in Ireland.
Because it is completely out of order, in fairness.
When someone thinks the teams are unfair.
No fight has ever started right when a game kicks off as the teams are out of balance, but give it time...
Soon you'll hear moaning.. "Lads, are we changing the teams or what?" Then you'll have the guy who is too proud chime in and insist they remain the same. Frustrations continue to grow before the guy who wanted the teams changed loses his head, and then the game is ruined.
Should have just changed teams.
The pass that wasn't given.
Ah yes. When two teammates don't really like each other, every little mistake will be met with a shake of the head or a sly comment, but as Eoin Doyle and Jermaine Beckford showed us recently, tempers can boil over if someone is judged to be a ball hog.
This goes for showing up as part of a group of 3 or 4 mates who don't really know anybody else. If you only pass to your mates you are the worst type of 5-a-side player, and should consider your future in the game.
It's 5-a-side football. Most of the time the score isn't even kept, so if you're constantly getting into scraps at this most laid-back of sporting events, then sort your life out.
