Roy Keane and Roddy Doyle collaborate on a book and it ends up containing a bucket-load of expletives. Who would've thought it?
'The Second Half' was officially released today and it contains 177 fucks, ten bastards, five cunts, five shits, four wankers, four pricks and three bullshits.
Here's a breakdown, including the best use of each word.
177 fucks (including variations)
Best use of the word:
Keane talking about Kenny Cunningham as Ireland captain on his return to international football under Brian Kerr.
But Kenny Cunningham was the captain. I’d played with Kenny over the years. He was popular with the players. He’d always be organising card schools and quizzes and whip-rounds for the bus driver and for the woman who’d served us tea in 19-fuckin’-52. But most of the lads liked him.
10 bastards
Best use of the word:
Roy has a soft spot for the foreign lads.
Fabien Barthez and Laurent Blanc used to smoke together in the toilets, at half-time. They were French – they smoked. If it had been a couple of Irish lads, I’d have been shouting at them: ‘Yeh dirty bastards – get out!’
5 cunts
Best use of the word:
Roy talking about not standing with the Ipswich players on the pitch following a loss to Sheffield Utd in the last game of the '09/10 season.
I made another mistake: I wouldn’t go out with them. We’d been beaten – we’d had a player sent off, which didn’t help. And we’d had a bad season. But I should have gone out. I should have stood with the players. If I’d been a player and the manager had said, ‘Ah, I’m too embarrassed to go out’, I think I’d have thought, ‘You cunt.’
5 shits
Best use of the word:
Following a victory over Plymouth while managing Sunderland.
Ian Holloway was managing Plymouth. I didn’t get a real chance to celebrate the victory because Ian pulled me into a meeting to tell me all about the problems he was having getting training facilities. I was thinking, ‘I don’t give a shit about your training facilities. I just won a game of football.’
4 wankers
Best use of the word:
Talking about a run in with one of Steve Coppell's assistants during a game against Reading.
I looked across at their dugout, and Kevin Dillon was looking back across, calling me a wanker.
I go, ‘What – me?’
He goes, ‘Yeah – yeah. You’re always on at the fucking referee.’ I said nothing back. I never got involved with opposition managers or staff – never.
We got to half-time, and I’m walking back to the tunnel beside Kevin Dillon, and I say, ‘Are you calling me a wanker?’ And he goes, ‘Well, you’re always on at the referee.’ I said, ‘I never said fuck all to the referee. Who the fuck are you calling a wanker?’
But I went to our dressing room, and thought no more of it.
4 pricks
Best use of the word:
On the day he left Manchester Utd.
So I thought, ‘All right— I’ll get fixed up.’
I knew there’d be clubs in for me when the news got out.
I said, ‘Yeah – I think we have come to the end.’ Michael still couldn’t believe it.
I just thought, ‘Fuckin’ pricks—’ and I stood up and went, ‘Yeah. I’m off.’
3 bullshits
Best use of the word:
About working for ITV.
I didn’t feel that way with this work.
‘It’s an easy gig.’ I don’t like easy gigs.
When I heard, ‘I liked your commentary last night’, I knew: I was only talking bullshit, like the rest of them. Hopefully, my bullshit was a bit better.
I wanted to do something that excited me. TV work didn’t excite me.
Picture credit: Stephen McCarthy / SPORTSFILE
