1. The Ultimate Roy Keane Devotee
The Roy Keane Devotee is usually a Cork born Manchester United supporter who is part of a dwindling minority of people left on the island whom John Delaney hasn't bought a pint for.
2. The "He left the country down" chap
This man will never forget "what Keane done" in 2002. No compromise, this man is not for turning. Currently contemplating not ever going to see Ireland play ever again for the second time. He opted out of the Brian Kerr reign.
3. The lad who gets into a fight with Keane in a chipper
This man hasn't been around since the early to mid 90s. He was a prominent figure in Keane's autobiography where he was usually portrayed as an unreasonable and menacing personal space invader, who liked roaring the term "Fucking Langer" at the top of his voice and then telling everyone he was running to the papers after it had all kicked off.
4. The lad who changed his mind about Saipan
Was a Manchester United supporting kid/teenager when the Saipan business went down. Publicly, he rose to the defence of his club's captain, claiming he was heroically battling against "Irish mediocrity and low expectations, you wouldn't get this crap under Alex Ferguson and what have Mick McCarthy and the rest of them won anyway." Privately, however, he had his doubts that Keane had to go off and sulk quite so spectacularly and miss the entire tournament. When Keane left Manchester United in 2005, he was able to take a less tribal and more reflective outlook on the whole bust-up, beginning to articulate a less pro-Roy and more nuanced take on the debacle. Roy's sour press conference after the Henry handball was the final straw. Last month, he more than likely expressed an openness to the idea of Mick McCarthy taking over the Irish job.
5. The FAI Blazer
Your main role in life is to be the object of both Roy Keane's and the wider general public's utter contempt. You may not think much of the 'truculent little Mayfield Bollocks.' But you must be emollient in all your public pronouncements because, as an FAI employee, you are not fighting from a position of strength in the battle for public opinion.
6. The lad who sits on the fence
Was unwilling to attack either McCarthy and Keane during 2002. Preferred to blame the FAI in general for the whole Saipan thing. When asked about Keane, he will look wistful and talk in vague terms about "the nature of the man", juxtaposing his performances on the pitch and his professionalism off the pitch, noting that "you can't have one without the other."
7. The Dublin lad who played against Keane at underage level
A cocky fucker who took delight in beating Cork teams in typical cocky Dublin style. Generally the object of outrageously unfair favouritism on the part of the lads who select Irish underage teams. Those FAI bods who chose the team were based in Dublin and continually picked Dublin lads over, say, lads from Cork.
8. The effete intellectual psychologist
This guy's first starting point is to talk about Keane's personality defects, his temperament, his inability to deal with people and his suspected issues with alcohol. Generally takes a damning view of the Cork hero. Not interested in football as such and sometimes doesn't even bother to offer the pat assertion that "of course he was a great player but..." He is usually an effete middle class individual with a high powered job.
9. The professional
Admires Keane immensely, taking his side on Saipan in a big way. Tries to portray a driven, hard-headed image. Constantly scoffs at Irish low expectations, adopts a hyper severe attitude to "useless moral victories" and affects to be happy with nothing less than a World Cup win or an All-Ireland victory. Has taken to drinking protein shakes, discussing the quality of facilities and calling out authority at every available opportunity. Usually an athlete of some sort.
10. The guide dogs volunteer
You generally coo over Roy Keane and talk about all the classy things he has done such as going into hospitals to visit sick children and not expecting any publicity for it. And of course, the amount of money and publicity he gives to the guide dogs.
