10 Things You Can't Do In Video Games Any More - A Personal Reflection

I'll come clean before I start this list: I haven't properly played a video game in, oh, about seven or eight years. You could say this is the case because around that time I entered adulthood, kicking and screaming, and  developed other recreational priorities - like books, scotch and chasing women. Oh, and actually going out and playing sports. Despite  the phenomenal talent of those involved, I think gaming is a monumental waste of time, I won't bullshit you.

Having said all this, I still have some nostalgic affection for certain games of my childhood and teenage years - pretty much all of them football- or rugby-related.

I would sooner dig out the PS2, blow half an inch of dust off it and lash on an early-2000s classic, than actually acquire an Xbox or similar. In fact, in a fit of child-like excitement over the Winter Olympics, I did just that - for about 25 minutes. 'Torino 2006', no doubt bought for sixty-odd quid in a fit of Celtic Tiger teenage extravagance, is dogshit, except for the Men's Downhill. Fuck me, it's maddening.

So with my puritanical outlook notwithstanding, let's take a look at the best things from old-time video games - mostly FIFA, I'll be honest - that you (probably) can't do any more.

1. Be chased by the ref

No explanation necessary.

2. Tackle the goalkeeper

A tactic employed in moments of exasperation, boredom, or just to piss off your mate, clattering into the keeper just as he was about to heave a Bonner-esque punt downfield was the great dick move of the era. Pro Evo wouldn't let you do this, which I still resent to this day.

 3. Tackle aggressively

Nowadays you probably can't tackle anybody hard, never mind the goalkeeper. There was a time, though, when smashing into a player at hip-height, from behind, and emerging with the ball was an art form as much as a guilty pleasure.

4. Set the strictness of the referee

You may or may not be able to do this nowadays, but the great Adidas Power Soccer allowed you to appoint a "blind" ref, while FIFA's system was so nuanced it could have been graded from "basketball referee" to "testicles optional". You needed to have the strictness set to the lowest level for a player to stay on the pitch after upending the keeper. You could also turn offside on or off in the games of the era, but no prick did that.

5. Do your own celebrations, indefintely, all around the pitch

A memory so obscure I honestly thought I dreamed this one. I didn't. 'Total Football' was an exciting new Megadrive offering, blowing away the overhead-view era of Sensible Soccer - brilliant though it may have been.

This was a serious revelation, well ahead of its time, but it remains all but forgotten today. Watch this video of Iceland versus Sweden. A helter-skelter two minutes includes a load of shots, two yellow cards, breakneck end-to-end football in the style of a Premier League match of the era, a goal and a group dance to celebrate.

That's as mild as the jubilation would get. If you felt like really rubbing it in, you could lap the field while doing back-flips, Klinsmann slides, blowing kisses all the while. A real-life punch in the back of the head from your opponent usually brought the exuberance to an end, not a virtual yellow card.

6. Play Indoors

As you can probably tell, FIFA 98 is a major point of reference in my limited gaming life. One reason for that is because there were so many novelty features. Sleet! Violence! Kit Editor! Five-a-side! It was a bit thrown together, with glitchy graphics and goals from improbably tight angles. An indoor mode was available in earlier editions, granted but it felt so modern, so... millennium-y.

7. Have a ridiculous amount of control over free kicks and corners

FIFA in particular let you drag a cursor thing to wherever you wanted the ball to go, and it would be sent there regardless of which donkey had been assigned to the task. You could also extend a yellow or red arrow from the foot of the taker, which could be bent or lifted  around walls as necessary. It also allowed you to score absurdly inch-perfect overheads and diving headers, the ball having been practically teleported into the path of the scorer.

8. Training mode

OK, training mode was crap, but it at least let you practice your nonsensically accurate set-pieces, and batter fuck out of the goalkeeper. Unlike the bells-and-whistles modern version with target practice games and the like, it was far too quiet and lonely and made you feel like a saddo.

9. Score drop goals from anywhere with Reggie Corrigan and Dion O'Cuinneagain

EA Rugby 2001 was a strange beast, like pretty much every rugby game since. Somewhat addictive, it got away with a lot of its lazy design and lack of inventiveness because it was the first serious rugby game to emerge since the great Jonah Lomu Rugby of the mid-1990s.

One of its more endearing  quirks was the fact that every player had pretty much the same ability to attempt a drop goal from pretty much anywhere within 40 metres of the sticks, when a goalpost symbol would appear in the bottom of the screen, letting you know that you could have a pop if you wanted a handy three points. A great blue arch could be extended from any player in a bit of space, and the ball would be toe-bogged goalwards, just as majestically by Peter Clohessy as Christian Cullen.

You could argue that it was a throwback to a more innocent era, when goal-kicking second rows and lineout-throwing wingers abounded, except it wasn't. It was an absolute joke, but I loved it.

10. Win the World Cup with Vanuatu

As a roly-poly, asthmatic nine-year old, this remained my greatest sporting achievement until I hit puberty and could take part in actual on-field activity without overheating like a ginger Lada.

Yes, the game was probably set to the easiest level, and yes, the referee could have done with some assistance from Sight Savers International, but my 2-1 victory over Austria at the Parc des Princes remains an abiding childhood memory. Winding my way through an interminable Oceania qualifying series with the most obscure team I could think of, I saw off the likes of fellow shock qualifiers Uzbekistan and Northern Ireland on the way to my date with destiny in Paris.

Also, I didn't fully know how to use my memory card so the entire campaign took about 14 uninterrupted, biscuit and Ribena-filled hours. Stuff your FIFA 14.