1. Do not ... Repsond with 'House or mobile?' when the ref asks for your number
This is actually an offence that will get you suspended. If the referee asks to add you on SnapChat however, you're free to go all out.
2. Do not ... Shout 'woodwork' as a long-range shot comes in
Woodwork?! No no no. There's no woodwork in GAA, they're posts for God's sake!
3. Do not ... Go for goal when through one-on-one with the keeper
'Take the sensible option.' That's what the eejits experts say.
4. Do not ... Call yourself a centre half-forward unless...
You have a brother who plays full back or midfield.
OR
You wear your socks up to your knees.
5. Do not ... Question the manager's elaborate handpassing drills
To the ordinary Fat Larry, handpassing drills where you have 35 players running past each other from more angles than a geometry convention don't make an awful lot of sense but trainers must have some reason for it.
Don't doubt their knowledge. One match soon you will find yourself in the situation where three of you are running three-a-breast round, round and round in a circle, while all the time swapping places and flicking the ball to each other.
6. Do not ... Flick the ball up
Go down on it ta feck PJ!
7. Do not ... Get knocked down while attempting to shoulder someone
Easily the most embarrassing thing that can happen on a GAA pitch. Apart from getting possession at the start of the second half, forgetting the teams have swapped ends, and running full gun in the wrong direction ... Actually that's another you really shouldn't do.
8. Do not ... Call someone 'son'
We'll leave that to the soccer players. There are two things you can call players on a GAA pitch; 'lad' or 'boi'.
9. Do not ... Vigorously wave a point for the opposition when you're playing in goals
There are some situations in life where honesty is not the best policy. Waving balls wide that have clearly gone between the posts is every bit as important to the art of goalkeeping as shot-stopping is but wave one for a point and you'll soon find yourself demoted to actual umpire.
10. Do not ... Go in goals while wearing a suit
You'd imagine this one would have been a given.
11. Do not ... Kick a wide on the near post
Kevin McStay has gotten more knickers twisted over this tragedy than the owner of America's biggest chain of laundrettes. Whatever you do Moloney, whatever you do, kick the bloody thing across the goal!
12. Do not ... Forget to warn teammates to 'mind the square'
Yes they've been playing the sport for over ten years, yes they're quite clearly – as if it were on purpose – standing half a foot outside the small square but don't let that get the way of giving them a warning about it anyhow.
13. Do not ... Call the ref 'sir'
That's what rugby fellas do. The height of your conversations with referees should never venture past a quick discussion on his need to go Specsavers or some other opticians at his nearest convenience.
14. Do not ... Go up for a high catch with one hand
'Two hand ye bollix ye, two hands!'
15. Do not ... Catch the eye of the club secretary if you're not togging out
This will only end in disaster. Quite quickly you'll find yourself tasked with a job as umpire or linesman. Or even worse; having to write the match report ... for every game for over five years.
16. Do not ... Forget your gloves
These lads...
17. Do not... Bounce the ball of a wet day
It causes the world to implode. I swear!
